Onesided relationships

Earlier, while discussing the story of Gideon, I mentioned the non-haters among Gideon of whom God instructed him to get rid of from his army. It is so easy to spot and avoid the overt antics of haters. However, this article discusses those who can not be readily identified as haters. They are not necessarily bad people. They are not actively gossiping against you, condescending to you, talking down your dreams and so on. They are simply not as invested in you.  

Before I continue, let me interject to introduce the idea that even though I am primarily speaking of into personal relationships and will continue speaking in those terms, the same applies for communities as a whole, organizations, countries that you may live in or choose to go to as a tourist or for your refuge and so on because while you are being tolerated, you simply are not the target market. They do not profile you with any special interest in catering to your needs when designing their offering, whether a physical product social policies and so on. In other words, you are only politely tolerated as a second class citizen.

Such a person (or entity), to whom you may apply the word 'friend'

• never initiates contact
• seems to initiate only if that friend is bored or has no other people to call in that moment
• does not ask at all or sincerely about your well being
• is always 'too busy' to respond to you
• breadcrumbs you (see video explanation below)

Use this realization of the true nature of your relationship as a wake-up call to adopt a mantra that resembles the following quote. 

Find someone who is proud to have you

scared to lose you

fights for you

appreciates you

respects you

cares for you and 

loves you unconditionally

Quote by YouTuber MissCTolbertVOH

Following this 'mantra' placcces you in harmony with the give-and-take, ebbs and flows we see in hermetic principal of rythym in natural law.

How a one-sided relationship affects you

Investing in such relationships devalues your worth in the eyes of that other person, and even to you, even if subconsciously. You are likely seeing that person engaging with others in ways that you would enjoy. In other words, you know that they are capable of better. Yet still, they never offer you the same level of consideration. Just enduring this is covert energy vampirism.

Your response to one-sided relationships

• Accept the reality and step away. (Read about radical acceptance in DBT). Know that the other party
• will NOT provide you meaningful support in times of crisis or great need. Recognize and accept this reality. Even if they never push you into the water, they would watch you drown, even if they can easily save your life. They do not care for you to survive, let alone to thrive. 
• does NOT make you a priority. When they make plans, you are not even a consideration. In other words, you are NOT a priority. Be careful if you are considered only when you can give something they need and can not get otherwise. It breaks the hermetic principal of rhythm because it is unnatural for things to flow in only one direction. The laws of nature show us that. Nature also shows us that good fruit, ripe and ready come to us easily, sometimes even falling off a tree. Nature never makes you tug at ripe fruit. They are like those people in the dating scene who you have accepted do not reciprocate the feelings of attraction. Upon analysis, any attention you might have gotten previously was likely because you had yanked the fruit when the tree was unyielding. In other words, jumped through hoops or chased them relentlessly. 

• Honestly evaluate how well you align with each other. Accept if one or the other has changed to an extent that is so significant that the relationship can no longer sustain itself in the same way or at all. Also, evaluate whether your expectations of the other person are realistic and reasonable versus you being needier than their life can realistically or reasonably support. After all, as friendship coach Danielle Jackson points out, most people are unable to get all of their friendship goals from a single person. Example(s)
• If you met and connected because of a shared situation (like work or school) or interest and at least one of you moved on from that original situation. The rest of the situation may be unable to sustain the relationship from the other person's perspective.
• If you have some personality trait, illness, challenge or situation with which the other person is unwilling or unable to handle, the person may pull away. Are they capable of friendship only when all is well in your  or their world? Have you offended the other person and misunderstood or ignored their displeasure, overt or otherwise? If you might have mis-stepped, you may ask to make amends and see if the friend values the relationship enough to work through this rebuilding process.
• The dynamics of your relationship has changed like a former boss who was used to making more than you and befriended you after your work relationship ended may continue to see as a subordinate. If your circumstances change to the extent that you will become the bigger earner or one with greater prestige, that might be enough to ruin the relationship from the perspective of the other person. 
• This point extends from the earlier one. If you still struggle with whether you are reading the situation correctly, "test the spirit fairly"! Give them the space and chance to initiate or at least to show up in the relationship in some other way that is truly meaningful. Be careful to NOT assume that the other person is simply disinterested. Are they already showing up meaningfully in the relationship in ways other than a specific way in which you are focusing? For instance, some people might actually prefer you to initiate meetups because they might not have as good ideas, options, contacts or other resources to plan meetups. It would be unreasonable for you to compare their contribution based on different levels circumstances related to meetups. Evaluate whether the other person has insecurities or circumstances of which you are unaware. This might even be because you are the dominant person in the relationship. In short, leave your invitation as open as possible to avoid needlessly putting the other person on the defensive. Needless to say, check the sincerity of your motivations. Do NOT rig this test with biases that force a response one way or other. After all,  toxic motivates that you might have would render shabby results; like the saying 'garbage in, garbage out'. Do not be forceful, condescending or confrontational. If you can afford to spend more, you are toxic if you argue that they never want to make plans when you are unwilling to go to less expensive locations or you plan for outings that exceed their budgetary constraints.
• You may ask "The last 2 times we met, those were my ideas. Do you want to OR would you mind if you OR would you be comfortable to suggest the next time?" Step back and wait. Prepare yourself psychologically for either outcome.
• If for whatever reason you must interact with this person, mirror their level of investment; keep them on your back burner. Downgrade that 'friend' to an 'acquaintance'. For instance, do not go out of your way to support her (because she won't do it for you).
• Honestly evaluate your friend selection criteria. Check to see if you are chasing after people who are unwilling or unable to reciprocate your level of investment. Consider your criteria also from the perspective of others to see whether your expectations will be perceived as realistic, fair and attractive by your target. Take time to re-establish your criteria if necessary.

CONTENT RELATED TO ONESIDED RELATIONSHIPS

• This is why Gideon needed to downsize his army.
• Danielle Jackson Friendship Coach YouTube video 'Do you really need a best friend?'
  YouTube video by Lisa Marie 'You're being breadcrumbed'.