Naturopathic Control: Grooming 101

Grooming is a process of manipulation used by a predator against a target. It involves deliberate actions aimed at befriending a target with secret intentions to subsequently exploit the target in some way that the target would have disapproved otherwise (like sexual abuse, trafficking, etc). In other words, it involves getting the target to lower his or her boundaries or defenses. The most widely known form of grooming involves sexual exploitation of children by persons like teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders and other authority figures. However, common misconceptions are that this happens only in sexual abuse cases or to children. In other words, it can happen in non-sexual cases and to adults.

Rest assured that grooming is a form of abuse because it involves manipulation for power and control over the target. Afterall, a concise way of understanding grooming is to take from someone by pretending to be nice. In other words, it is a slicker way than overt aggression. The most commonly known form of grooming involves sexual predation of children. However, it can take any form. For instance, a business partner can 'be nice' to learn everything from the other person to steal the idea.

The most skillful groomers are those who will take rejection gracefully, making themselves seem even more virtuous. They do this to ensure they do not lose the target's trust. Be certain that, if they could get away with forcing their way into what they want, they would do so. When the rejection is not acceptable to the more skilled groomer, he might however give himself away by bringing up the request soon again. Alternatively, after suffering a rejection, he may be sufficiently slick to take a slightly different approach that he expects to be more palatable to the target. If he can, he will try to find ways to make the target feel concerned about not accepting his request.

Video '4 Ways Adults Are Groomed By Predators' by YouTuber Ehren's Journal (excellent video)

Also know that, while grooming generally relates to personal relationships, it can also relate to groups. For instance, families, friend or social groups can groom individuals. Consequently, be mindful of your general experience in a culturally homogenous town, group, etc. Afterall, grooming essentially occurs macrocosmically among political groups of nations. (Consider how Machiavellianism plays out even among nations for instance.) However, for the sake of simplicity, it is easiest to grasp the concept in the context of 2 individuals.

The various forms of grooming feature similar motivations.

to overpower the target (with elements of belittling)
to exploit the target in some way that is self-serving to the predator (sexual, financial, other forms of theft and so on)

Common stages of grooming

These stages are variable, meaning that cases vary. Single actions may meet multiple of these stages (like giving car rides to someone).

1. Select the victim. Predators have their unique preferences, like specific vulnerabilities, demographic and so on.

Common vulnerabilities include

people without proper support
people who are new to an environment.

2. Gains trust & access. The trust may be aimed towards the target and or the target's circle of influence which usually includes family members or friends. The tactic on its own seems socially acceptable, benign and non-threatening. Common examples include the following.

little favors. Examples include:

car rides
access to helpful contacts
token educational assistance for children. This is very useful when predators seek the trust of parents.

3. Meeting the needs that the target considers to be most pressing. This is a strong emotional hook that encourages the target to see the predator as necessary to their life. When grooming is part of narcissistic abuse, this stage is called 'love bombing'.

Needless to say, predators must read situations well enough to figure out the target's most motivational needs so that he or she (the predator) can morph into the perfect provider of such needs. For this reason, predators present themselves as great listeners, not because predators truly care about their target's wellbeing, but only to study the target to know how to best morph into a perfect provider of the target's need so as to manipulate that target.

Targets are left thinking "[Predator] is my best friend because while no one else listens or tends to my concerns, he is there." The void in the target's life is studied and filled perfectly.

This step easily masks the true nature of a predator that is narcissistic because the ostensible interest in listening to the target's problems can make the target feel cared for. (This is because, narcissists lack any genuine interest in the needs of their targets). This stage is therefore the ultimate trap because predators are drawn in and eager to overshare. All the while, the predator is picking out the target's vulnerabilities that he or she (the predator) can exploit. Here are some examples.

The predator provides supplies for target student who feels desperate to advance academically but can not afford.
A sexual predator may offer a listening ear to his target who has no support system. He listens, all the while, bored and irritated, feeling it is a waste of time but will smile and appear to care. He is banking on the emotional connection she believes they have to translate naturally into her sexual interest in her.
Since young children often consider candy as a 'need', predators are quick to provide it to the children they target.
The predator puts on an act of being outraged by any harm caused to their victim by others. This gives the victim a false sense of safety and protection.

4. Isolates the target / renders the target defenseless. As much as possible, predators find it useful to distance the target from other people who can offer support or become suspicious of his or her (the predator's) nefarious motives. The objectives are to make the target (more) vulnerable and to give the predator (more unrivaled) control over the target. As usual, if the target has defenses like people in their life, financial independence and so on, predators use subtle ways of isolating the target. Conversely, the more defenseless the target, the more direct, swift and aggressive the predator can afford to be in isolating the target.

A sexual predator may realize that a direct approach like forcing a target into a relationship is too risk if the target has some type of pre-existing defense like supportive family or financial independence. In such cases, the predator may offer emotional support like a listening ear, not through genuine concern but to find new avenues of vulnerability. Other ostensibly benign ways of isolating the target is offering one-on-one interaction like car rides as a means of getting the target alone. Predators may try to encourage the target to see fault in and distance themselves from people who are supportive of the target. The predator selects people who are suspicious of the predator or seem capable of protecting the target from the predator's advances. The benign seeming alone time gives the predator more opportunity to break down the target's own defenses.
Consider how traffickers and other criminals confiscate the passport of vulnerable targets. This isolates the target to a place of the predator's choosing. The same is true for withholding important documents or access to finances, knowing that the target must subserviently beg the predator to meet his or her basic needs.

5. Create secrecy in the relationship. Predators attempt to gain trust of a target by sharing 'secrets' to give the impression of a special, caring relationship. Predators use different target-appropriate methods to ensure that the target also keeps the relationship secret.

The predator may tell the child to keep their 'special' relationship a secret. To this end, he implies or overtly threatens harm to others or the ruin of something held dear by the target.

A married sexual predator may lie to the target by saying that the reason his wife can not attend to the target's invitation is because of tiredness, illness or her dislike of the target. To this end, he may also make excuses as to why the target should leave extending the invitations to his wife only to him. For instance, he may say that his wife is difficult to talk to. He might even encourage the wife to think ill of the target so that the wife does not want to talk to the target anyway. This is evil manipulation on a whole other level.

6. Desensitization through benign-looking versions of the predator's true intentions & testing boundaries. These actions can start to give the predator away because they are small versions or hints of what the predator really intends to do. These actions gratifies the predator. In the mind of the predator, these actions are virtual full forms of the behavior they really want while the target might only see the action as benign. The predator hopes to de-sensitize the target. Predators gage their level of success with how well they are reaching their goal by seeing whether the target will establish or re-establish boundaries. Predators want to push the limits in violating a target's boundaries as much as possible without overly alarming the target.

The predator may sexualize a relationship with a child in ostensibly innocent ways like putting an arm around a target child's knee, play wrestling or otherwise getting a little closer than normal.
Predators of adult targets may offer non-sexual massages that encourages the target to get used to physical proximity to the predator.
The predator may set up scenarios that allow them to be naked (accidentally) in front of the target and so on.
The predator may find ways of discussing the topic subtly. When work colleagues are traveling together, a sexually predating boss may test the target with a 'joke' that they will need to sleep in the same room.

7. Coercive control over the target becomes OVERT once the grooming has been successful. While the earlier stages of grooming featured forms of coercion that are covert, this stage is different. Predators now have enough of a stranglehold over their target to the extent that the gentler, covert games of coercion are no longer necessary for one reason or other. Predators feel free to express their true nature and intentions.

The predator will observe key indicators of success of his or her work in earlier stages (like getting the target to show shame of mistakes or other shortcomings, even if the predator encouraged them or; to stress the target's isolation from anyone else). Find more content on coercive control below.

Although a predator initially lured a child with smiles and kind gestures, his behavior switches in an instant to intense harshness once the child is in his grasp, without the chance to run away or seek help. Consider however that, when predators see children already defenseless or alone in a compromising state, he would likely skip earlier stages and immediately show overt coercive control.
The predator violates the victim's ownership of what naturally belong to the victim: time, money, autonomy of choice over basic aspects of your life (personal care products), etc ... Coercive control victims report the predator controlling access of their own home, car, telephone, social media and so on.
Predators may be very overtly abusive, making harsh demands like 'come here', 'never lock your door again', 'remove your clothes' and so on.
The predator may try to take over the target's property or act like the owner more than just a visitor, borrower, etc.
Victims become emotionally numb. Emotional numbness is similar to physical numbness in that it does not register pain. It allows victims to overlook their own suffering and to pretend that everything is fine.
"Stop asking questions. Just pay me $x now if you want to ever get back your things."
"Wow, you do not have anyone! No one cares about you. I am the only person you have."
"If you tell anyone about this [some nefarious activity], I will kill your family."
"You give me no choice. I have to do this [some nefarious activity]". The predator often finds a way to blame the victim for the abuse. This is useful to the predator because the victim becomes ashamed of their assumed culpability and prefer to remain silent.
Predators monitor victims: surveillance, etc
Typical examples of coercive and controlling behaviors in intimate or family relationships (used by the UK government and legal professionals for proving the offence). These types of behavior are considered in terms of patterns of behavior. Patterns are discernible by frequency, duration and so on as they relate to criminality and their impact on the victim. Criminal assessment considers whether the 'pattern of behavior amounts to fear of violence or serious alarm or distress leading to substantial adverse effect on usual day-to-day activities' of victims. (ie your way of life can become adversely affected).

isolating victim from friends and family
deprivation of basic needs
monitoring the movements of the victim's life, this includes online stalking
controlling different aspects of the victim's life (like setting rules regarding clothing, personal care products, etc)
depriving victim access to services like medical services (likely to prevent detection of abuse).
continued psychological abuse (like put downs or attempts to encourage the victim that he or she is incapable of achieving things of significance)
humiliating the victim or encouraging others to humiliate the victim
forcing the victim to participate in criminal activity
encouraging the victim to feel shame over a wrongdoing or embarrassing act of the victim. This is insurance against the victim going to the authorities or others in the society who may harshly judge the victim.
financial abuse, often in the form of providing inadequate funds and micromanaging and harshly criticizing the spending. This also involves confiscating the victim's earnings.
controlling the victim's ability to progress (like preventing the victim from studying or working)
threat of harm against the victim or loved one.
character assassination. This includes sharing private details without the victim's consent which usually puts the victim in a socially awkward position.

Returning to a groomer that failed before is very dangerous

If you are fortunate to free yourself of a groomer, never go back at a later point. Your fate could be like that of Lot's wife. Groomers are unlikely to ever really change. Even if the outward esthetics of a situation (like your age, living circumstances, etc) have changed, the rules of the grooming game never does. Once a groomer, always a groomer, even if he or she lost the first time around. A failed first time groomer wants their 'pound of flesh' (ie revenge as payment for what they perceive was your rejection).

Such groomers will try to appear respectful and benevolent. All the while, they seethe with envy and hatred. Consider the following scenario(s).

A sexual predator who was unable to isolate a target is likely to reappear later in the target's life if the defense (like financial independence or social support) is no longer available to the target. In such case, the predator might not even be still interested in or capable of the original form of exploitation but simply wants revenge for rejection. In such cases, predators may reappear to pretend to offer help, only to sabotage the target in retaliation.

Groomers can take the form of single individuals, friend groups, entire communities (in a town, etc) and so on. The rules from above apply regardless.

YouTube video: 'Don't Go Back' by YouTuber ''missctolbertvoh'. Sometimes you needed to even leave behind valuable things behind (money, personal values and so on). Know however that you should still not return because you can compromise your safety and even life. Going back is essentially going against prayers for deliverance from a bad situation. You are likely going to be able to get new material possessions that you lost as a result of leaving a bad situation. Do not fall for the traps that groomers set to pull you back in. By going back, against the will of God may be more detrimental the second time than the first time. As far as possible, prevent people you leave from using things of value that you left behind to remain connected to you after you leave.