Farmer cheese forms when the proteins in milk are heated sufficiently and curdled with the use of an acid. Curdling refers to the separation of the protein solids called curds from the whey, the liquid by-product of cheese making.
This recipe produces a 'farmer cheese' that can be molded and sliced. Depending on how well the curds are drained and bonded, the texture ranges from quite spongy and soft, like scrambled eggs to firm and solid. Depending on the concentration of protein in the milk, the unseasoned flavor may be relatively bland. In any case, flavor can be enhanced by salt and or herbs.
Typical uses
This cheese may be used: plain; inside corn tortillas; on toast, especially with black pepper, olive oil, tomato, herbs and a little honey if you like sweet-savory; in salads as whole pieces with ingredients like cucumber, tomato, herbs, avocado, beets and roasted vegetables; eggs; stuffed vegetables like sweet peppers, baked potatoes, etc; pasta; soup garnish. When heated this cheese will fry and brown versus melt.
What you need
4 cups FULL cream dairy milk, ideally in liquid form. However powdered milk may be used. (For about 950 mL: Reconstituted milk: 830 g Water and 120 g full cream milk powder, fully hydrated before heating. This recipe uses 13% ( concentration recommended by my available brand) to 15.5% powder in water. The higher percentage seems to give a firmer cheese.) . When deciding the quantity of milk, consider that farmer-style cheese typically yields approximately 10–20% of the starting milk weight. Goat milk often yields toward the lower end of this range, while cow milk usually yields toward the middle. Higher milk solids and firmer pressing will affect the final yield. Sheep's milk often gives a significantly higher yield, typically 18-25%.
1/4 + teaspoon Salt (optional)
Acid for curdling: apx 4 tablespoons (apx 45g) White vinegar or 6 tbsp lemons
Heat source, medium heat
Spider strainer
Fine strainer as a cheese mold (regular plastic kitchen strainer, wet cheese cloth, plastic coffee filter, dedicated stockings)
Method
Add (reconstructed) milk to a pot. Heat slowly over medium heat. Stir gently so it doesn’t scorch.
Bring the milk to about: 85°C to 90°C. Do not let it boil hard. Just hot and steaming, with small movement at the edges. However, if you are overly cautious and do not raise the temperature enough the curdling may not occur at all or readily.
Turn heat to low or off. Add vinegar slowly while stirring gently. Then stop stirring. You should begin to see curds forming.
Let it sit undisturbed for 10 to 15 minutes. This helps curds separate from the whey.
Use your spider strainer to remove the curds. If your curds are very fine, line the regular strainer with a wet cheesecloth. (Cleanup of curds from a dry cheesecloth is difficult).
This is the first and more important of two opportunities for the whey to be drained off.
Squeeze out excess whey. This step helps to enhance the firmness of the cheese.
Optional. Sprinkle salt and or optional condiments over the curds. Avoid breaking up the curds as much as possible by evenly dispersing and folding in these new ingredients. Common herbs include: 2 tbsp chives, 1 tbsp parsley or, 1 small pinch oregano. (Adding salt at this later stage (versus adding to the milk, before curdling) gives better control over managing flavor because most of the draining of whey has already occurred.
The cheese may be eaten within as little as a few minutes of pressing it out and forcing it into its mold, which can be a strainer. However, optionally, to make the cheese firmer, refrigerate and allow it to rest for longer, perhaps overnight.
Image above: A basic kitchen strainer over a pot was used as a mold. Afterwards, a small ceramic weight (a tiny dish) was placed directly on top of the cheese, the cheese was placed into the refrigerator overnight. Salt and green onions were added after the curds had been squeezed to expel excess whey.
Resounding success! With a concentration of 15.5% powder to make the milk, a lot better moisture control and refrigeration, this cheese was very firm.
Above: When heated, the cheese browned without melting.
One of the most interesting questions that arose during a tarot discussion was the difference between the Aces, the Pages, and The Fool. At first glance, they all seem to represent “beginnings,” which naturally raises the question: why does tarot need all three?
The discussion began with confusion about the difference between Ace of Wands and Page of Wands. The Ace seemed beginner-like because it represents the beginning of creative energy, inspiration, and movement. Yet the Page also appeared beginner-like because Pages are novice figures learning how to handle the energy of their suit. This led to the realization that the two cards are actually describing different stages of development.
The Ace is not really a person. In the Rider–Waite–Smith (RWS) imagery, the wand is extended from a divine hand emerging from the clouds. This symbolizes raw potential entering consciousness: the spark itself. For instance, the querent may have received an idea. That idea is like a seed. However, he has not done anything with it, he might be unsure how to deal with it or even if to deal with it at all. Ace of Wands is the ignition of vitality, creativity, passion, or motivation. Its call to action (CTA) is simply to begin and to honor the spark before overthinking extinguishes it.
The Page, by contrast, is a human figure actively interacting with the suit’s energy. In Page of Wands, the young traveler gazes at the wand with fascination and curiosity. The Page represents apprenticeship, experimentation, and learning through direct experience. The energy of the Ace has now become embodied in a person. The Page’s CTA is to explore, practice, and allow imperfection while learning.
This naturally raised another question: if the Pages already represent beginner energy, then why does tarot also need The Fool?
The answer is that the Fool operates at a much broader and more archetypal level. The Fool is not tied to any specific suit or area of life. The Fool represents the beginning of the human journey itself: stepping into existence, uncertainty, risk, and possibility. The imagery of the traveler near the cliff edge, accompanied by the small dog, symbolizes innocence, openness, instinct, and faith in the unknown.
The Pages, however, are specialized expressions of beginner energy:
the Page of Wands learns creativity and passion,
the Page of Cups learns emotional intuition,
the Page of Swords learns thought and communication,
the Page of Pentacles learns discipline and practical mastery.
A concise way to understand the distinction is this:
The Fool begins a new journey in life, a new existential chapter with openness and uncertainty. Examples: the fool is not necessarily A Child but maybe anyone that is faced with a new chapter of life because of its inherent uncertainty they may be going through the divorce, migration issues, career change, spiritual awakening, major travel, starting over after loss, leaving toxic environments, radically rethinking identity.
The Ace introduces the raw energy of a suit.
The Page begins learning how to embody that energy personally.
This structure shows that tarot is not merely a collection of isolated meanings, but an interconnected symbolic system describing stages of development, from inspiration, to apprenticeship, to mastery.
Earlier, I discussed emotional control through the practice of Stoicism. This article about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) goes deeper into the 'reflective' stage of that process. DBT is a type of psychotherapy that can help you to manage your psychosocial pain points; like situations over which you have no control, common trauma response of reliving serious trauma, other post-trauma maladaptive responses, ongoing circumstantial vulnerability caused by complex trauma, etc.
Complex trauma often results from prolonged exposure to distressing events, leading to intricate psychological effects that can manifest as C-PTSD. Individuals may continue to experience symptoms such as flashbacks, emotional disregulation, and difficulties in relationships. In this context, the general public's impatient assertion that such people choose to cling to the past, to not "let go" can feel overwhelming or even invalidating, because it overlooks the depth of suffering involved. However, DBT is a more empathetic and solutions-oriented response to the suffering. The DBT approach does not imply forgetting or minimizing the impact of trauma. Rather, its compassionate take on the 'letting go' idea suggests a shift in how one relates to those experiences to foster resilience and healing.
Interrelated Core Principles of DBT (dialectics, validation, radical acceptance) for resetting your perspective and coping:
Dialectics: DBT recognizes that two seemingly opposing ideas can be true at the same time. The following examples illustrate how dialectics can be applied to complex and challenging situations, allowing individuals to hold multiple perspectives and work toward integrating other perspectives to have an overall more balanced approach. This is key because focusing on the negative extreme is a human default. In fact, it is a defense mechanism to prepare oneself for potential danger. Unfortunately, it is easy to become polarized in difficult circumstances by being hyperfixated on negativity. However, dialectics is a form of de-polarization and balance (and reminiscent of the purpose of the hermetic principle of polarity; ie to become depolarized). Dialectics demands your cognitive agility. On that basis, I remember the 2 of Pentacles tarot card ... and even 5 of cups tarot card that encourages you to recognize that; while 3 cups have indeed spilt, if you turn around, you will see that 2 other cups remain un-spilt behind you and a bridge is also there to the other shore. In short, rather than see circumstances as 'either negative or positive', DBT encourages one to see challenges from the 'negative AND positive' angles. So rather than feel stuck in feeling vulnerable, you may find ways to pivot situations to say “While I am vulnerable in this situation (negativity), I am also strong (positive)” or “while I am capable of taking care of myself (masculine energy), I also need support (feminine energy).” While discussing emotional control through stoicism, I mentioned that, during a painful stoic 'pause', exploit your brain's neuroplasticity. In other words, train your mind to use dialectical reasoning to form new neuropathways. Here are some more examples.
Accepting a traumatic past while preparing for change in the future:
A person with complex PTSD may need to acknowledge their traumatic experiences are a part of their history, while also working towards creating safer circumstances for a more hopeful future.
Embracing vulnerability while maintaining self-protection:
Someone who has experienced trauma learns to be vulnerable and open with others (the right people), while also maintaining healthy boundaries and self-protection strategies to ensure their safety and well-being.
Acknowledging powerlessness while taking control:
A person in an abusive situation acknowledges their powerlessness, while also taking control of their own actions and making decisions to prioritize their safety and well-being. This includes the empowerment that learning DBT and creating new neuropathways provides.
Practicing self-compassion while holding oneself accountable:
Someone with a traumatic past is self-compassionate by acknowledging that maladaptive responses (like PTSD, anxiety disorders, dissociative disorders, cognitive distortions, social anxiety & awkwardness etc) are natural responses to their circumstances, while also learning better ways of responding to stressors.
A woman may feel overwhelmed and helpless due to a chronic illness. Erotical acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of her condition, accepting the limitations and challenges it brings, and focusing on her response and coping strategies, such as self-care and seeking support, rather than resisting or fighting against the illness.
Accepting the need for support while striving for independence:
Someone accepts that they require meaningful support (like therapy or support groups), while also striving for independence and self-sufficiency (researching and shadow working on their own).
Recognizing the complexity of emotions while simplifying self-care:
Someone recognizes their complex emotions in high-stress situations (high-conflict situations like divorce, loss and so on), while also striving to self-care in basic ways like adequate rest, nutrition, and exercise.YouTuber video by Dr Tracey Marks 'Neuroplasticity explained: how to rewire your brain for mental strength'
Validation: DBT emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating painful emotions and experiences. I must stress that if you are among those without support systems, like family, mental health professionals, police and or legal remedial services, prepare to do this for yourself.
A lady who has suffered trauma validates her emotions, such as anger or sadness, while also learning to counteract the distressing cognitive distortions that occur as a consequence.
Radical Acceptance: Accepting reality as it is, not as you want it to be. You can neither change nor avoid the painful reality. This is a painful, hard pill type of skill that involves pulling the plug on hope of some resolution of undesirable situation. Example(s) of applications.
Toxic relationships. You now accept that your best efforts through overexplaining and overcompensating will NOT make a difference. These attempts never have in the past and never will. This is because the other party, abusers (whether narcissistic individuals or groups, their flying monkeys, and so on) will never stop the abuse. This is a no-holds-barred turning point of knowing that there is absolutely nothing more you can do or will try to resolve the situation. For instance, you will no longer live in hope that 'maybe after X happens, or if I just do X more, or accomplish X.' as it relates to relatives, professional colleagues, distinct social groups, and so on. Radical acceptance therefore means 1) grieving loss, often significant loss; such as hope of having a secure childhood, secure parent-child bond, meaningful friendship, marriage, acceptance in a community, working relationship, and fulfillment of dreams. Radical acceptance also means 2) you no longer hide in denial and are therefore consciously facing heavy emotions due to your loss. Dr Ramani 'A painful look at narcissistic relationships. Radical acceptance' (above video)
Self-relationship. You now accept yourself fully, regardless of shortcomings, imaginary, real or set by society. This is a matter of unconditional self-love. Self-lovers see their 'imperfections' as elements of cherished uniqueness. In social circumstances, this involves not trading one's authenticity (which may simply be a difference from the social norms) to get approval from others. In other words, you are unapologietically yourself. Dr Femke Bakker used a fitting analogy of how loving parents would respond by encouraging their child who falters while learning to walk. Rather than be critical, shout at or condescend their child, they accept their child as she is in the present moment. They are patient, recognizing that their wish for a walking child will not happen overnight. This heart posture means they handle their child's daily struggle with empathy and compassion. Listen to her Ted Talk about 'self-gentleness (aka radical self-acceptance)', especially if you are driven to perfectionism in situations but are not performing perfectly. Since perfectionism is often a trauma response, the concept of self-gentleness is particularly important as you 'learn to walk' (thorny situations). Be patient with yourself. Example(s): being overwhelmed by simple tasks is not laziness but executive dysfunction; anxiety disorders is a symptom and not a reflection of your stupidity; open admittance of trauma response disorders that you had previously tried to hide through shame (by others); binging on your guilty pleasure is self-soothing / a search for a dopamine fix; neurodivergence is a symptom and not a reflection of your intelligence; etc. To be clear, this is not about being complacent with poor habits. Instead, it is a first step that can lead to positive change because openly acknowledging an issue is a way of bringing it to the forefront of your consciousness so that it can be resolved. Example(s): AA attendees usually openly introduce themselves as 'alcoholics' in group meetings in which they attempt a 12-step healing program.
Here are the 4 key components of any DBT practice. Since each component is customizable, own the design of your process so you can enjoy and remain committed.
Mindfulness: mindfulness practices emphasize the importance of being present and fully engaged in the present moment without judgment or distraction. Examples
Individuals with PTSD often experience flashbacks, which are intrusive memories that can feel as though they are reliving the traumatic event. Mindfulness skills can help you to stay grounded in the present moment. Examples. You can practice the “5-4-3-2-1 technique”. This requires you to focus on your 5 senses by identifying:
5 things they can see around them,
4 things they can touch,
3 things they can hear,
2 things they can smell, and
1 thing they can taste.
By focusing on these sensory experiences, you redirect your attention away from the flashback and back to their current moment, reducing the intensity of the trauma-related symptoms.
Avoid unhealthy distractions. (mental addictions). See You Tube video 'How to unf*** your brain'.
Distress tolerance skills. To describe this practice in short form; it is about accepting pain without unnecessary and additional suffering. This is achieved by using healthy distractions. These healthy destructions help you to select thought patterns that are better than ruminating and causing intense emotional suffering and to be clear healthy distractions are not the same as avoidance. Examples.
Self-talk in your head or allowed when triggered as by the news or when hearing about or from someone who caused you pain.
I cannot change what has already happened. [Do not relive the painful moments trying to figure what you should have or could have said or done instead Develop some type of releasing, aka 'defusion', like imagining the memory as a black balloon that you release into the wind as you redirect your focus to something else, perhaps a white or colorful balloon with something specific .... Or you can focus intensely on the present moment.]
This moment is the outcome of multiple turns in the past do not agonize over 'what-if' scenarios like if you had just returned the call the night before, given x detail and so on.
Read about Mel Gibbon's What if it all works out mantra that frees her brain from focusing on only the worst, most catastrophic of multiple probabilities
To cope with nightmares through Distress Tolerance Skills. self-soothing is a form of distress tolerance to cope with overwhelming emotions and situations without resorting to avoidance or harmful behaviors. This involves engaging in calming bedtime routine activities like:
taking a warm bath,
Listening to soothing music,
Practicing deep breathing exercises
Using aromatherapy
Declaring sleep time intentions
In acute distress situations that might trigger dissociation, use these distress tolerance steps.
Step 1: Identify a distressing situation or feeling (e.g., feeling overwhelmed by memories).
Step 2: Use the “TIP” technique (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing) to manage acute distress:
Temperature: Splash cold water on your face or hold ice cubes; this can help anchor you to reality.
Intense Exercise: Engage in physical activity like jumping jacks or running in place for a few minutes.
Paced Breathing: Practice slow, deep breathing like 'box breathing' to calm the nervous system.
Emotion Regulation Skills: Strategies such as identifying and labeling emotions, understanding emotional triggers, and using coping skills to manage emotions.
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills: Techniques such as active listening, assertiveness, and boundary-setting to improve communication and relationships.
Assertiveness in interpersonal relationships might help you if you fear rejection or misunderstanding (that might arise from expressing your needs or feelings). Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings (ie versus'you' statements). Example; Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, "I really need to be allowed to complete each idea without interruptions/ for someone to take action on XYZ / the direct communication I" or “I feel ignored when I share my thoughts but [describe the person's triggering behavior] like do not get any kind of response.” If the counter party is worthy, this approach is likely to be received as not blaming them.
Unapologetically set boundaries to prioritize your mental health while remaining being polite and respectful towards others. Example; say, “I appreciate the invitation, but I need some time for myself right now or I need time to think about that before committing or I needed the scores from your professional observations so I can keep track and really engage in my progress.”
Assuming that the other person is worthy and has good intentions but does not yet understand how to meet your needs, say "If someone does x (like grab me suddenly), that makes me feel unsafe because it triggers my anxiety.
Who Can Benefit from DBT:
People with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): DBT can help individuals manage symptoms of PTSD, such as flashbacks, nightmares, and avoidance behaviors.
Anyone seeking to improve emotional regulation and relationships: DBT can be beneficial for individuals looking to enhance their emotional intelligence, communication skills, and overall well-being.
Those struggling with emotional dysregulation: DBT can help individuals manage intense emotions, reduce self-destructive behaviors, and improve relationships.
This post discusses how you can respond with equanimity to life's challenges. Emotional control is invaluable for dealing with challenging situations, whether with toxic people or circumstances that are outside of your control. For instance, toxic people go out of their way to 'push your buttons', ie to trigger some known pain point that you have as a means to feed their distorted sense of power, even without provocation. They want to have you emotionally charged in an unhealthy way, and, if possible; to the point of socially unacceptable and embarrassing behavior, impulsive mistakes, or the like. Example(s) of triggers that may force you into emotional dysregulation.
A disagreeable person in the sense that the individual is committed to misunderstanding you, even regarding your basic human needs.
Dismissive Attitudes: The individual may dismiss your concerns without consideration.
Selective Listening: They might only hear what aligns with their preconceived notions.
Emotional Reactions: Strong emotional responses that overshadow rational discussion can indicate bias.
Someone trying to belittle you. This can even include subtle ways like intentionally poor service. In Latin America, anti black racism commonly manifests with a polite smile while forcing the mistreated person to waste time and resources excessively.
Someone knows you have a spider phobia and forces you to walk past spiders.
Traffic jam when you are running late
Malfunctioning technology
Emotional control involves self-awareness in the moment; specifically, your ability to recognize that you are being triggered in the moment, to recognize & heal your wounds that have been opened, to identify your triggers, and, ultimately, to prevent yourself from being reactive to those triggers. In other words, you want to avoid being very reactive that every predatory person exploits your pain point to make you mindlessly reactive, whenever their whims inspire them that way. Both parties, the toxic person and you are acting from within some type of ego, perhaps as an ex with unresolved feelings of abandonment, as a boss feeling insecure by your competence, as someone envious of your competence that makes them feel relatively incompetent and so on.
Professionally, emotional mastery can also make you a better candidate for leadership.
Stella Petrou Concha explains that emotional mastery involves managing conflict and pressure without resorting to violence, aggression, or silence. You are truly calm, ie both internally and externally. You seek deeper understanding, not only of your own perspective but also that of counterparties.
1. Pausing (a practice in self control)
Just to be clear, this is not a suggestion to embrace unhealthy practices like suppressing or ignoring your emotions, because triggers can cause you harm regardless. However, this suggestion is to disengage from the toxic situation and or conduct your interactions with pauses so you can manage the trigger all alone, in private, ie rather than reacting and therefore entangling yourself in the toxicity, as per the ill will of someone else. In private, you give yourself the space and love to vent, be vulnerable as you cry and so on.
A pause is a 'space' between the trigger and your response. It allows you to process and plan before responding in a non-impulsive way. Rest assured, while pausing is difficult, it is possible. Furthermore, while the luxury of long pauses is not always possible, with practice, a pause of as little as a few seconds may suffice. Jefferson Fisher suggests taking a breath before responding.
Do not react (ie with 2 P's: panic and proceed). Instead respond (ie with 4 P's: pause, process, plan, then proceed).
You often regret reactions but rarely regret responses!
Example(s)
Every time you feel angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, remove yourself from the situation so that those negative feelings do not get the chance to fester to the point that you react in other than your best self.
Why is a pause important, especially when dealing with toxic situations? When dealing with toxic people, the first thing to realize is that, when they are being hurtful, it is unlikely that you can convince them to change their trajectory, for your benefit, especially when their antics are intentional. While some people try to make amends, most never do. Begging them is not only futile but amplifies their enjoyment of and desire to continue the toxic situation. In other words, accept that you can not rely on the next person for your well-being. You can not change the complex issues in their ego. For instance, they might have been triggered by their insecurities of which you or even they are unaware. Maybe you have triggered them. This might simply involve the fact that you succeeded at something they did not, you received good news that is unrelated to them, and so on. In other words, you owe it to yourself to do alone what you can to secure your feelings of comfort and competence.
What hurtful people do to you has nothing to do with you.
I am reminded of the justice card of the major arcana. Its figure removes her bias from the situation and can analyze it in a depersonalized, depolarized way.
Overall and in short, emotional control relates to stoicism. A stoic is described as being calm and appearing almost emotionless or blank. Such a person does not show what they feel. At least during the pause, they accept whatever is happening, by simply observing.
Serenity prayer: "Father, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
Sometimes, the pause is not just seconds, minutes or weeks and so on. The pause is permanent. See YouTube short form video by DailyInspire_67 'A woman with no friends or a very small circle is a very, very secure woman'. If you have the wherewithal to walk away permanently, it is the way to find calmness as a default situation.
The second key step is to use the pause for dispassionate, analytical reflection on 1) the external event (like triggers of others and likely reasons) and 2) your internal response to that event and why. This step recognizes that many reactions of others and ourselves mask other issues that are often not apparent. Remember, this is not a call-to-action to suppress emotions, but to work through them in privacy.
Earlier I spoke about toxic interactions involving issues like an warranted hatred and power games. Here are some likely issues to consider in such situations.
"It's not that they hate you personally but that they see in you what they failed to pursue ... or embody. ... Stop taking it personally ... Their hatred is a projection of their inner conflict. ... That doesn't make it easier but it gives you clarity. ... Many people build their lives around a fragile foundation of unspoken agreements comfortable lies social masks and Illusions designed to keep their world safe and predictable. ... You threaten the stability of that foundation ... make it harder for them to ignore [their inadequacies]." Jordan Peterson re unwarranted hatred from others.
Commitment to misunderstanding you, even in matters involving your basic human rights
Narcissists (narcs) do not engage with you from within the same psychological framework as you are with them. Stop assuming that they want meaningful connection or fair resolution and therefore desire mutual understanding, respect and reciprocity. They are NOT interested in mutuality. Instead, they seek dominance over you by ANY means necessary. For instance, the 'means' may include finding ways to break your spirit and confidence to force you in line with their individual goals. It is A MISTAKE to think that you can change this through enough kindness, fairness, good intentions, loyalty, patience, laying out the truth, respectfulness and sufficiently clear communication. Narcs can NOT be motivated through moralistic appeal, only consequences. Do NOT set yourself up for frustration and emotional exhaustion. For you to identify narcissistic traps; focus on people's actions, NOT their words. This includes apologies and other displays of virtue. In other words, look for the PATTERN in their actions.
Examples include the following.
. consistent disrespect.
. gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of lying that forces you to question reality as you know it. They will re-create history, subtly shifting the narrative, even so that you are expected to apologize for something you have not done. Beware, the more engaged you allow yourself to be in their arguments, the more control they gain. The fact that you find yourself defending yourself places you in a subordinate position.
. Intermittent reinforcement is another common tactic. It involves alternating between affection and cruelty in unpredictable cycles. This is a powerful hook because it may trigger in you the psychological mechanism of addiction. Specifically, if they were consistently cruel, it would be easy for you to simply detach. However, you may find it hard to leave because they show kindness from time to time and leave you in a toxic hopefulness and struggle to regain the fleeting moments of kindness.
. Projection. The narc may accuse you of the specific action of which they are guilty. This also manifests by them arguing with an off topic issue, often a sore point of yours. This is a tactic used to deflect attention away from them or the current issue at hand. The tactic is intended to keep you too busy defending yourself to have enough remaining mental power to figure out these tactics.
In short, to survive this toxic relationship, you must detach. Detaching involves not playing along in their game as much as possible; emotionally, and, if possible, physically. After all, trying to get their approval, to explain yourself or show your good intentions for instance is placing yourself in a subordinate role. From their perspective, your placing yourself in such a position only confirms their control over you. Every contortion of yourself to appease their disapproval, defense, etc, signals to such a mind your relative weakness. It signals their ongoing control over you and your emotions, even if you are unaware of this. Your participation in arguments implies that their opinion matters. Remember, you are WASTING your time if you think keep searching for some magical combination of words and or actions to finally tip the scale. If you somehow figure one such perfect combination, they WILL shift the goal post somewhere else because they do not intend for you to ever meet the mark. So STOP defending yourself to someone who is searching for ammunition within your over-explanations. They will distort your intentions, twist your words and so on.
Now here is your biggest challenge! You must walk away from your deep, natural human desire for resolution and justice, because, with such people, it will NEVER come. In short; emotional DETACHMENT. (Just a reminder, this is a matter of unhealthily dismissing your own emotional pain.) This is a matter of remaining unaffected by the narc's provocations; withholding the emotional reactions like distress, frustration, anger that they crave, perhaps to tone police you with the belittling "calm down" phrase or feigned fear. In other words, practice 'pausing', the first step of a stoic emotional control response. So this looks like sitting unresponsively while someone intentionally tries to bait you into an emotional reaction. The baiting could be outrageous accusations against you, slander, irrelevant past issues to strike against you and so on. You need to tell yourself "I do not need to correct their false narrative" and so on. Not easy but this is how to starve them of their supply of sustenance. To be clear, this does NOT mean allowing injustice and sabotage. Instead, it means not participating in the moment in the game.
When you set boundaries, they will test them to force you into breaking your own rule. Consequently, you must ENFORCE your own boundaries. If you say you are leaving the discussion; leave, immediately. If you say you will not tolerate disrespect; don't, immediately. If you say you will no longer explaining yourself; stop, immediately. The moment you allow yourself to be back on trial, they prove your boundaries are only words. Know that you 'winning' an argument is an illusion. They WILL seek to settle the score; some day, some how.
This tough challenge of emotional detachment means you must TOLERATE DISCOMFORT. In other words, you must resist the urge to correct lies and so on. You must practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that they will never change. Walk away from bad situations, even when doing so causes you intense emotional pain in the moment.
Brace yourself for the 'extinction burst', which is an escalation of their offensive behavior. It is a last-ditch effort to regain control. For instance, if they only bullied you before, now as you withdraw yourself, they will stalk or otherwise attack you outright. Brace yourself in the recognition that this escalation signals their desperation and your success to this point. Needless to say however, this is the point where most people fail. Remain steadfast with maintaining your boundaries. Decide that you will not wait around for resolution from the narc for your healing and closure because that would signify your dependence and their continued control. Instead, you will give to yourself.
As you walk away, rest assured; their inability to value you has nothing to do with your true worth but their brokenness (ie that their self esteem needs constant upkeep by knocking you down below themselves).
If you need help with that from mental health providers, your tribe, or YouTube videos, seek it. However, keep such external reliance to a minimum because even these usually good sources can fail. Frenemies prove this last point. Ultimately, you are responsible for your well-being.
Stoics stress the importance of recognizing aspects of your situation that you can and can not control. Actively look for those aspects that you can control and focus your thoughts productively on formulating an appropriate response (cognition, verbal or action). During a painful 'pause', exploit your brain's neuroplasticity. In other words, train your mind to use dialectical behavioral therapeutic reasoning to form new neuropathways. Click here to consult the core principles and examples of applied dialectical (DBT) reasoning when faced with challenges. The cognitive agility that dialectical reasoning encourages also reminds me of the 2 of Pentacles tarot card ... and even 5 of cups tarot card that encourages that; while 3 cups have indeed spilt, if you turn around, you will see that 2 other cups remain un-spilt behind you and a bridge is also there to lead you to the other shore.
Understanding and mastering your triggers is critical because they recur in life, according to Stella Petrou Concha, 'as certain as waves crashing against the sea shore, which you must figure how to ride.'
Examples of responses include.
Silence! No engagement.
No response to snide comments, ad hominem attacks, etc. You choose that you do not even want to engage in the situation because you have resolved your thoughts on the matter and realize that the other person is committed to misunderstanding. This is an example in which the person operates in a reactive way based on some unrelated underlying issue, like feeling rejected by you, jealous of your accomplishments, and so on. In such cases, recognize that you have no control over the matter, and investing energy into trying to explain is futile. As such, you must focus your attention where you do have control. This is an example in which you will need to shift your mind away from ruminating over that person.
Some more reflective people would return with an apology in words or actions because your silence gave them nothing further to distract them or on which to build their attacks.
Setting boundaries.
I do not appreciate your tone of voice. I would rather X-Y-Z instead. Otherwise, I can no longer work with you.
Someone's distorted search for empowerment through trying to control you.
Ask them to repeat themselves (as that creates a pause that dampens their dopamine rush), like "Come again?!"
Ask "Did you say that to hurt me?" [I might word that differently to let them know how much they have failed, like 'that was meant to hurt me?']
Gentle back off: "I need space to mow the lawn in circles as I like. I will continue to do it in circles.
Invite a discussion about the heart of the problem. "The way I mow the lawn is not the real issue here. if we did not have to mow a lawn, the garden patio would be the next issue. Something that you are not mentioning is a problem. Maybe we need to resolve that instead."
An explanation: "The gradient of this yard is circular and the lawn mower is custom-designed accordingly for better efficiency." ... BEWARE, after this point, silence is ideal for those people who are committed to misunderstanding or power-playing you.
Counteract catastrophizing emotionally triggering situations. YouTube video of podcast by Mel Robbins "6 magic words that stop anxiety and overwhelm" suggests a few things. Observe yourself going into the catastrophizing mode. Recognize that you do not have control over what happens outside of ourselves. We can only control what happens internally. When unable to find out about her daughter's whereabouts while on a solo trip on the other side of the planet, she noticed stress and self-inflicted psychological torture rise in her body as she imagined her daughter's gruesome demise. She suggests 6 words in response to the internal self-inflictions, "What if it all works out?!" For instance, maybe her daughter was enjoying herself, she was fine but unforeseen technology glitches occurred, etc. These words end the downward psychological spiral and force you to see that you simply do not know the outcome but chose to focus on only one negative probability, disregarding other positive probabilities. The initial recognition of a difficult situation inflicts injury already. Negative secondary reactions like anticipatory worry would only inflict further injury. In fact, research shows that they even light up pain pathways in the brain. It also triggers the sympathetic nervous system (ie the fight or flight states) which in turn impairs cognitive skills and executive function. In other words, it ultimately hinders your ability to resolve the problem at hand. You need to stop that! It is necessary to observe this tendency to inflict a second injury to yourself and halt it midway with Mel's 6 words.
Purpose, not impulse
3. Daily reflection
In addition to mindful reflection after a triggering event, stoics routinely engage in reflection. This is key because such ongoing reflection helps to train your mind towards a more stoic default. Example(s) of focused attention exercises include the following.
Intentional journaling. When you journal, you can analyze the day's stimuli and your emotional responses. Critically analyze those times during which you fell back into old patterns of reactivity. See every moment (heartbreak, etc) as an opportunity for practicing response over reaction.
when you fall back into old patterns of reactivity (perhaps your over-explaining, anger, fearfulness, etc), critically analyze why it happened and your learning point. Your task is to prepare a better response for the future rather than ruminating over your failure. (After all, rumination does not achieve anything, it offers no solutions.)
When starting the day, you can set specific intentions for committing to stoicism.
4. Focused attention exercises
The purpose of focused attention exercises or mindfulness practices is to train you to control the direction of your mind's attention. Considering that the present moment is the only time that you have the power to act, mindfulness exercises stress on engaging your attention there as fully as possible. These exercises train your mind to the present and more calmness despite life's distractions and challenges. Examples include the following.
Breath meditation. Observe your breath, mindfully noticing each inhale and exhale, then return attention to this exercise if your mind wanders.
Movement meditative practices like ecstatic dance. See third-party documentary ecstatic dancing documentary. The demonstrative video (below) is one of the best I have seen online. It reminds me how, in the depth of trauma, your child self can find all the answers. I started this practice at 9, long before I knew it was a technique with a name. It is freeing and a total game changer. At 29, I lost myself in dance, unable to sleep for over 24 hours through the natural high. There is no need for mind-altering substances, just the freeing of your mind. I think it is perfect for those who dislike, still have trouble mastering sill meditation practices and or just want a natural high for relaxation. I think these women featured in the video below have captured the practice beautifully. YouTube video by Sophie Sôfrēē 'Dance of the Moon. Ecstatic Dance with Sophie Sôfrēē, Mana Mei & Layla El Khadri' (above). These women dance as though no one is watching. There is no judgment, no choreography, no 1-2-3 steps and so on. The women are fully present in the moment and aware of the beat of the music, flow of water or other natural elements and each other. They allow their entire bodies to respond with those elements and, by so doing, let go from their ego and simply flow. The flow looks different for each person. For some people, ecstatic dancing releases emotions (joy, sorrow, etc) and expressions (sensuality, empowerment). People can become whatever and whoever they want to be (whether a child, an animal, etc).
Mindful observation. Engage very fully in present-moment activities, including very mundane ones. If this is not normal for you, I suggest setting a daily reminder to check in with yourself.
Observe the minutiae of an eating experience; the flavor, texture, sight, smell and sound of eating the food. Third party YouTube video by Parkviewhealth 'mindful eating exercise'
Observe what each of your senses perceive at any moment
body scan exercises
Affect labeling. It is counterintuitive that owning your negative emotions in the moment minimizes its control over you. Research shows that it allows you to go into response (versus reactive) mode. For instance, if you recognized, even openly acknowledged your nervousness about public speaking, you are ironically less affected by that nervousness.
Use the heightened suggestibility of the alpha waves to train yourself to be calm. Alpha brain waves occur in states of deep relaxation, like during deep meditation, hypnosis, and the first few minutes after awakening. Imagine yourself responding calmly during states of deep relaxation. Do this first thing in the morning upon awakening (as opposed to scrolling through social media).
CONTENT RELATED TO EMOTIONAL CONTROL THROUGH STOICISM
