Onesided relationships

Earlier, while discussing the story of Gideon, I mentioned the non-haters among Gideon of whom God instructed him to get rid of from his army. It is so easy to spot and avoid the overt antics of haters. However, this article discusses those who can not be readily identified as haters. They are not necessarily bad people. They are not actively gossiping against you, condescending to you, talking down your dreams and so on. They are simply not as invested in you.  

Before I continue, let me interject to introduce the idea that even though I am primarily speaking of into personal relationships and will continue speaking in those terms, the same applies for communities as a whole, organizations, countries that you may live in or choose to go to as a tourist or for your refuge and so on because while you are being tolerated, you simply are not the target market. They do not profile you with any special interest in catering to your needs when designing their offering, whether a physical product social policies and so on. In other words, you are only politely tolerated as a second class citizen.

Such a person (or entity), to whom you may apply the word 'friend'

• never initiates contact
• seems to initiate only if that friend is bored or has no other people to call in that moment
• does not ask at all or sincerely about your well being
• is always 'too busy' to respond to you
• breadcrumbs you (see video explanation below)

Use this realization of the true nature of your relationship as a wake-up call to adopt a mantra that resembles the following quote. 

Find someone who is proud to have you

scared to lose you

fights for you

appreciates you

respects you

cares for you and 

loves you unconditionally

Quote by YouTuber MissCTolbertVOH

Following this 'mantra' placcces you in harmony with the give-and-take, ebbs and flows we see in hermetic principal of rythym in natural law.

How a one-sided relationship affects you

Investing in such relationships devalues your worth in the eyes of that other person, and even to you, even if subconsciously. You are likely seeing that person engaging with others in ways that you would enjoy. In other words, you know that they are capable of better. Yet still, they never offer you the same level of consideration. Just enduring this is covert energy vampirism.

Your response to one-sided relationships

• Accept the reality and step away. (Read about radical acceptance in DBT). Know that the other party
• will NOT provide you meaningful support in times of crisis or great need. Recognize and accept this reality. Even if they never push you into the water, they would watch you drown, even if they can easily save your life. They do not care for you to survive, let alone to thrive. 
• does NOT make you a priority. When they make plans, you are not even a consideration. In other words, you are NOT a priority. Be careful if you are considered only when you can give something they need and can not get otherwise. It breaks the hermetic principal of rhythm because it is unnatural for things to flow in only one direction. The laws of nature show us that. Nature also shows us that good fruit, ripe and ready come to us easily, sometimes even falling off a tree. Nature never makes you tug at ripe fruit. They are like those people in the dating scene who you have accepted do not reciprocate the feelings of attraction. Upon analysis, any attention you might have gotten previously was likely because you had yanked the fruit when the tree was unyielding. In other words, jumped through hoops or chased them relentlessly. 

• Honestly evaluate how well you align with each other. Accept if one or the other has changed to an extent that is so significant that the relationship can no longer sustain itself in the same way or at all. Also, evaluate whether your expectations of the other person are realistic and reasonable versus you being needier than their life can realistically or reasonably support. After all, as friendship coach Danielle Jackson points out, most people are unable to get all of their friendship goals from a single person. Example(s)
• If you met and connected because of a shared situation (like work or school) or interest and at least one of you moved on from that original situation. The rest of the situation may be unable to sustain the relationship from the other person's perspective.
• If you have some personality trait, illness, challenge or situation with which the other person is unwilling or unable to handle, the person may pull away. Are they capable of friendship only when all is well in your  or their world? Have you offended the other person and misunderstood or ignored their displeasure, overt or otherwise? If you might have mis-stepped, you may ask to make amends and see if the friend values the relationship enough to work through this rebuilding process.
• The dynamics of your relationship has changed like a former boss who was used to making more than you and befriended you after your work relationship ended may continue to see as a subordinate. If your circumstances change to the extent that you will become the bigger earner or one with greater prestige, that might be enough to ruin the relationship from the perspective of the other person. 
• This point extends from the earlier one. If you still struggle with whether you are reading the situation correctly, "test the spirit fairly"! Give them the space and chance to initiate or at least to show up in the relationship in some other way that is truly meaningful. Be careful to NOT assume that the other person is simply disinterested. Are they already showing up meaningfully in the relationship in ways other than a specific way in which you are focusing? For instance, some people might actually prefer you to initiate meetups because they might not have as good ideas, options, contacts or other resources to plan meetups. It would be unreasonable for you to compare their contribution based on different levels circumstances related to meetups. Evaluate whether the other person has insecurities or circumstances of which you are unaware. This might even be because you are the dominant person in the relationship. In short, leave your invitation as open as possible to avoid needlessly putting the other person on the defensive. Needless to say, check the sincerity of your motivations. Do NOT rig this test with biases that force a response one way or other. After all,  toxic motivates that you might have would render shabby results; like the saying 'garbage in, garbage out'. Do not be forceful, condescending or confrontational. If you can afford to spend more, you are toxic if you argue that they never want to make plans when you are unwilling to go to less expensive locations or you plan for outings that exceed their budgetary constraints.
• You may ask "The last 2 times we met, those were my ideas. Do you want to OR would you mind if you OR would you be comfortable to suggest the next time?" Step back and wait. Prepare yourself psychologically for either outcome.
• If for whatever reason you must interact with this person, mirror their level of investment; keep them on your back burner. Downgrade that 'friend' to an 'acquaintance'. For instance, do not go out of your way to support her (because she won't do it for you).
• Honestly evaluate your friend selection criteria. Check to see if you are chasing after people who are unwilling or unable to reciprocate your level of investment. Consider your criteria also from the perspective of others to see whether your expectations will be perceived as realistic, fair and attractive by your target. Take time to re-establish your criteria if necessary.

CONTENT RELATED TO ONESIDED RELATIONSHIPS

• This is why Gideon needed to downsize his army.
• Danielle Jackson Friendship Coach YouTube video 'Do you really need a best friend?'
  YouTube video by Lisa Marie 'You're being breadcrumbed'.
  

Gideon

The less taught story of Gideon with a few themes 

• Main theme is that victory of the weak is assured against very powerful opponents through the intervention of God / the Universe. Consequently, this is a story of faith in God / the universe.
• One should see himself not through a worldly perspective but from that of God. Gideon saw himself as a weak underdog while the universe addressed him as a 'mighty man of fearless courage'. In short, know thyself, ie beyond your human avatar or ego.
• Recruit only those (likely few) soldiers that align in both spirit and ability with your divine purpose. Many must also be "mighty men of fearless of courage."

Are you Gideon? Look at yourself the way the Universe does

Gideon was an Israelite who epitomized the cowardice that had crippled and enslaved his people. His people had been consistently attacked and sabotaged by Midianites. Quite symbolically, overcome with fear, he hid in an underground wine cellar. Furthermore, he was not held in high esteem by his people. He was in his lowest point and looked pitiful. Gideon was not a warrior. In fact, he was weakened. However, God chose him to lead an army and an angel referred to Gideon even at that point as a "mighty man of fearless courage". In other words, it is important to know that the Universe (or God) sees you better than others do, despite current setbacks.

The Universe saw Gideon as a 'Mighty Man of Courage'

Others, even you may underestimate or undervalue your potential. Your potential is not necessarily based rigidly on human standards like age, number of friends, money, education, family & connections and so on. Example; Gideon was from a poor family and not held in high esteem among them. His people, Israelites, living in a weakened state of perpetual fear of the constant sabotage by the Midianites. 

YouTube video 'Gideon - God's Unlikely Choice' by Daniel Kolenda

Why Gideon needed to downsize his army

Gideon's army was whittled down to only 300 men that went up against 135,000 men. Gideon was instructed to downsize his army to ONLY those with whom his mission resonated. Likewise, even your non-haters whose only curse against you is their ignorance should be let go. Their well meaning ignorance can make them act against you inadvertently.

It is easy to decide to let go of haters because they let us know they mean harm and that hurts. So instinctively, you know very quickly that you need to let them go. However, there are times when you also need to let go of even non-haters because your association with them insidiously blocks your path. Below is what they may look like. Know that you need to separate from such people in order to achieve your goal.

• People who resist anything they do not believe is possible for your life. Maybe they are too used to seeing you in a depressed, compromised state and ostensibly [airquotes] want you to succeed ... but that, only up until you actually start to succeed, especially if you are doing so in a big way. I suppose one might argue that they are covert haters because their energy is based on selfish fear that you will surpass or leave them, jealousy and or passive aggression.
• They tell you "You can not" do [what the universe has ordained you to do], (ie rather than say, 'I will do what I can to help you proceed on your path').
• They do not resonate with your vision.
• They can not appreciate you or very significant parts of you. This may include them only valuing you when or if they think you have material wealth but having no interest in you spiritually.

• Some of these people make your letting go decision easy. They let you go. As Madea said, if they let you go, then go. Most people are only interested in taking. They can often be likened with leaves, ie leaves on a tree that are so fickle that they blow in every direction with each passing breeze (ie rather than remain firm in their support of your goal). Some people are like a brittle branch that will break and let you fall if you step too far out to progress. Even after you explain their harm, they continue to do harm. The point here is to recognize that they are "leaves" that do not want to become anything other than leaves.

Gideon was instructed to make his army smaller. The significance of this is that an army need not be large to deliver success. Your army comprises the people around you. There is no point having many people around you who can not share your vision. They may derail you. It is hard to find like-minded people and so your army is better off being small. After all, you do not want a large army of the blind leading the blind, away from your life's goal and into peril. 

In short, everyone can not be on your side or align with what the universe intends for your life. That is fine! See them as ballast and let them go! Do not be fearful of 'losing' them because, at this point, you can see you never had them in the first place.

YouTube video 'Gideon - God's Unlikely Choice' by Daniel Kolenda

Madea says that you really only need a few people like strong roots of a tree in your life. Be prepared to just let everyone else go.

Madea speaks about needing only 2 or 3 "roots" that are so stable regardless of what is happening in your life otherwise. They are the type of soldier that Gideon needed. 

Faith in Finding the Right Soldiers (your '300 mighty men of fearless courage')

Although it is hard letting go of people because you need connections in life and can be left entirely alone and desperate without them, have faith that the Universe will replace unfit soldiers with the right ones.

Your soldiers can arrive for short or long periods in your life.

The right soldiers would be like the sturdy and reliable "roots" of a tree like how Madea describes them.

Invite people into your life only if they will help you to serve your purpose. Do not base your decisions on worldly or other standards. Too many good people were led to peril by having the wrong people in their lives who might have had wealth, socioeconomic status and otherwise.

• Accept your task and ask the universe to show your soldiers. Gideon asked for clear signs that he could recognize.
• Have a recruitment process in mind. Example(s)
• Gideon culled his large army twice by using specific criteria. 1) Specifically, if they felt fearful, they were allowed to leave and most did. In order to be worthy, your soldiers must be fearless in the face of your formidable armies. There is no point recruiting them if they would cower away at crucial points. 2) Then in the second round, if soldiers drank in a unfavorable way ie drink water like an animal rather than cup it in their palms, they were not kept. BTW, one of the symbolic meanings of drinking water is the ability to defeat enemies and evil. Perhaps they needed to show not only fearlessness but capacity to fight in the appropriate way. It is pointless having a soldier who is fearless but fights like an animal. You need soldiers that balance fearlessness and skill.

Prepare yourself for your soldiers & the war

• Do not be fearful of being alone. Use isolation to work on yourself to be right for the right soldiers. Hear Madea speak about this.
• Prepare yourself for the reality that many people close to you support you only until you are on the verge of succeeding. They may uncomfortable with you changing what they see as your status that is lower to their, which keeps them comfortable with you. Example. The Midianites that constantly sabotaged the Israelites were actually cousins to the Israelites.
• Have faith in the process presented by the Universe. Example. God instructed Gideon, who was entirely inexperienced in warfare to whittle down his number of soldiers until he had only a few hundred to fight the Midianite army whose soldiers were as numerous as 'grains of sand on the sea shore. Yet still Gideon's army won because he followed God's guidance. Gideon learnt that, when he is weak, God is strong within him. So he does not need to be independently strong. This is in line with 2 Corinthians 12:10 'For when I am weak, then I am strong.' This story does not stress the point that, before he could win the war, Gideon had to be worthy. He needed to pass the test of faith by whittling down his army, even though it seemed counter intuitive to reduce his army as a novice. Remember that, before any major gifts of manifestation, you will be tested to surrender to the Universe's wisdom over the limits of your own. YouTube video by BibleProject 'Why God tests his people'

Symbols

If you are a Gideon, use these symbols on your altar.

• A raised horn is a common biblical symbol of victory, especially of being rescued from oppression. Blowing the horns announces the arrival of God.
• Upheld flaming torches symbolize life, truth and the regenerative power of flame.
• Clay pots symbolize transformation and sanctification (ie purification) into God's will. The bible speaks of God as a potter and man as the clay. It also speaks of 'treasure in clay jars that one should make certain to know that the treasure is power that comes from God and not from within ourselves. it is a reminder that we do not need to be all powerful on our own. We can rely on God's strength to work through us by allowing ourselves to be re-shaped and shaped according to God's will for his will. Regarding the fact that Gideon's men shattered their clay jars seems to be a metaphor for their breaking their original molds as the underdog to make way for the power of God to act and likely to also re-shape them into victorious warriors against the Midianites.
• 2 Corinthians 4:7 reads, “But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us.”
• 300 repeatedly carries the same theme of supernatural victory over enemies. (The victories even included bloodshed). This is evident not only in scriptures with Gideon, but also Sampson and the mighty men of David. These conquests are so unusual that they can only be understood as the hand of God creating the supernatural victory that defies human ability. 

CONTENT RELATED TO GIDEON

• Retelling of the Gideon story and its meaning (third party content).
• Gideon's Horn and Torch
• Story of Moses & the burning bush is a story about faith
• Wine making (my new spiritual tradition)
• How to identify and handle one sided relationships with non-haters