Showing posts with label toxic relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label toxic relationship. Show all posts

Grooming 101

Grooming is a process of manipulation used by a predator against a target. It involves deliberate actions aimed at befriending a target with secret intentions to subsequently exploit the target in some way that the target would have disapproved otherwise (like sexual abuse, trafficking, etc). In other words, it involves getting the target to lower his or her boundaries or defenses. The most widely known form of grooming involves sexual exploitation of children by persons like teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders and other authority figures. However, common misconceptions are that this happens only in sexual abuse cases or to children. In other words, it can happen in non-sexual cases and to adults. 

Rest assured that grooming is a form of abuse because it involves manipulation for power and control over the target. Afterall, a concise way of understanding grooming is to take from someone by pretending to be nice. In other words, it is a slicker way than overt aggression. The most commonly known form of grooming involves sexual predation of children. However, it can take any form. For instance, a business partner can 'be nice' to learn everything from the other person to steal the idea. 

The most skillful groomers are those who will take rejection gracefully, making themselves seem even more virtuous. They do this to ensure they do not lose the target's trust. Be certain that, if they could get away with forcing their way into what they want, they would do so. When the rejection is not acceptable to the more skilled groomer, he might however give himself away by bringing up the request soon again. Alternatively, after suffering a rejection, he may be sufficiently slick to take a slightly different approach that he expects to be more palatable to the target. If he can, he will try to find ways to make the target feel concerned about not accepting his request.


Video '4 Ways Adults Are Groomed By Predators' by YouTuber Ehren's Journal (excellent video)

Also know that, while grooming generally relates to personal relationships, it can also relate to groups. For instance, families, friend or social groups can groom individuals. Consequently, be mindful of your general experience in a culturally homogenous town, group, etc. Afterall, grooming essentially occurs macrocosmically among political groups of nations. (Consider how Machiavellianism plays out even among nations for instance.) However, for the sake of simplicity, it is easiest to grasp the concept in the context of 2 individuals.

The various forms of grooming feature similar motivations.

  • to overpower the target (with elements of belittling)
  • to exploit the target in some way that is self-serving to the predator (sexual, financial, other forms of theft and so on)



Common stages of grooming

These stages are variable, meaning that cases vary. Single actions may meet multiple of these stages (like giving car rides to someone).

1. Select the victim. Predators have their unique preferences, like specific vulnerabilities, demographic and so on. 
  • Common vulnerabilities include 
    • people without proper support
    • people who are new to an environment.

2. Gains trust & access. The trust may be aimed towards the target and or the target's circle of influence which usually includes family members or friends. The tactic on its own seems socially acceptable, benign and non-threatening. Common examples include the following.

  • little favors. Examples include: 
    • car rides
    • access to helpful contacts
    • token educational assistance for children. This is very useful when predators seek the trust of parents.


3. Meeting the needs that the target considers to be most pressing. This is a strong emotional hook that encourages the target to see the predator as necessary to their life. When grooming is part of narcissistic abuse, this stage is called 'love bombing'. 

Needless to say, predators must read situations well enough to figure out the target's most motivational needs so that he or she (the predator) can morph into the perfect provider of such needs. For this reason, predators present themselves as great listeners, not because predators truly care about their target's wellbeing, but only to study the target to know how to best morph into a perfect provider of the target's need so as to manipulate that target. 

Targets are left thinking "[Predator] is my best friend because while no one else listens or tends to my concerns, he is there." The void in the target's life is studied and filled perfectly.

This step easily masks the true nature of a predator that is narcissistic because the ostensible interest in listening to the target's problems can make the target feel cared for. (This is because, narcissists lack any genuine interest in the needs of their targets). This stage is therefore the ultimate trap because predators are drawn in and eager to overshare. All the while, the predator is picking out the target's vulnerabilities that he or she (the predator) can exploit. Here are some examples.
  • The predator provides supplies for target student who feels desperate to advance academically but can not afford.
  • A sexual predator may offer a listening ear to his target who has no support system. He listens, all the while, bored and irritated, feeling it is a waste of time but will smile and appear to care. He is banking on the emotional connection she believes they have to translate naturally into her sexual interest in her.
  • Since young children often consider candy as a 'need', predators are quick to provide it to the children they target.
  • The predator puts on an act of being outraged by any harm caused to their victim by others. This gives the victim a false sense of safety and protection.


4. Isolates the target / renders the target defenseless. As much as possible, predators find it useful to distance the target from other people who can offer support or become suspicious of his or her (the predator's) nefarious motives. The objectives are to make the target (more) vulnerable and to give the predator (more unrivaled) control over the target. As usual, if the target has defenses like people in their life, financial independence and so on, predators use subtle ways of isolating the target. Conversely, the more defenseless the target, the more direct, swift and aggressive the predator can afford to be in isolating the target.

  • A sexual predator may realize that a direct approach like forcing a target into a relationship is too risk if the target has some type of pre-existing defense like supportive family or financial independence. In such cases, the predator may offer emotional support like a listening ear, not through genuine concern but to find new avenues of vulnerability. Other ostensibly benign ways of isolating the target is offering one-on-one interaction like car rides as a means of getting the target alone. Predators may try to encourage the target to see fault in and distance themselves from people who are supportive of the target. The predator selects people who are suspicious of the predator or seem capable of protecting the target from the predator's advances. The benign seeming alone time gives the predator more opportunity to break down the target's own defenses.
  • Consider how traffickers and other criminals confiscate the passport of vulnerable targets. This isolates the target to a place of the predator's choosing. The same is true for withholding important documents or access to finances, knowing that the target must subserviently beg the predator to meet his or her basic needs.

5. Create secrecy in the relationship. Predators attempt to gain trust of a target by sharing 'secrets' to give the impression of a special, caring relationship. Predators use different target-appropriate methods to ensure that the target also keeps the relationship secret.

  • The predator may tell the child to keep their 'special' relationship a secret. To this end, he implies or overtly threatens harm to others or the ruin of something held dear by the target.
  • A married sexual predator may lie to the target by saying that the reason his wife can not attend to the target's invitation is because of tiredness, illness or her dislike of the target. To this end, he may also make excuses as to why the target should leave extending the invitations to his wife only to him. For instance, he may say that his wife is difficult to talk to. He might even encourage the wife to think ill of the target so that the wife does not want to talk to the target anyway. This is evil manipulation on a whole other level.

    • 6. Desensitization through benign-looking versions of the predator's true intentions & testing boundaries. These actions can start to give the predator away because they are small versions or hints of what the predator really intends to do. These actions gratifies the predator. In the mind of the predator, these actions are virtual full forms of the behavior they really want while the target might only see the action as benign. The predator hopes to de-sensitize the target. Predators gage their level of success with how well they are reaching their goal by seeing whether the target will establish or re-establish boundaries. Predators want to push the limits in violating a target's boundaries as much as possible without overly alarming the target.

    • The predator may sexualize a relationship with a child in ostensibly innocent ways like putting an arm around a target child's knee, play wrestling or otherwise getting a little closer than normal.
    • Predators of adult targets may offer non-sexual massages that encourages the target to get used to physical proximity to the predator.
    • The predator may set up scenarios that allow them to be naked (accidentally) in front of the target and so on.
    • The predator may find ways of discussing the topic subtly. When work colleagues are traveling together, a sexually predating boss may test the target with a 'joke' that they will need to sleep in the same room. 


    7. Coercive control over the target becomes OVERT once the grooming has been successful. While the earlier stages of grooming featured forms of coercion that are covert, this stage is different. Predators now have enough of a stranglehold over their target to the extent that the gentler, covert games of coercion are no longer necessary for one reason or other. Predators feel free to express their true nature and intentions.

    The predator will observe key indicators of success of his or her work in earlier stages (like getting the target to show shame of mistakes or other shortcomings, even if the predator encouraged them or; to stress the target's isolation from anyone else). Find more content on coercive control below.

    • Although a predator initially lured a child with smiles and kind gestures, his behavior switches in an instant to intense harshness once the child is in his grasp, without the chance to run away or seek help. Consider however that, when predators see children already defenseless or alone in a compromising state, he would likely skip earlier stages and immediately show overt coercive control.
    • The predator violates the victim's ownership of what naturally belong to the victim: time, money, autonomy of choice over basic aspects of your life (personal care products), etc ... Coercive control victims report the predator controlling access of their own home, car, telephone, social media and so on.
    • Predators may be very overtly abusive, making harsh demands like 'come here', 'never lock your door again', 'remove your clothes' and so on.
    • The predator may try to take over the target's property or act like the owner more than just a visitor, borrower, etc.
    • Victims become emotionally numb. Emotional numbness is similar to physical numbness in that it does not register pain. It allows victims to overlook their own suffering and to pretend that everything is fine.
    • "Stop asking questions. Just pay me $x now if you want to ever get back your things."
    • "Wow, you do not have anyone! No one cares about you. I am the only person you have."
    • "If you tell anyone about this [some nefarious activity], I will kill your family."
    • "You give me no choice. I have to do this [some nefarious activity]". The predator often finds a way to blame the victim for the abuse. This is useful to the predator because the victim becomes ashamed of their assumed culpability and prefer to remain silent.
    • Predators monitor victims: surveillance, etc
    • Typical examples of coercive and controlling behaviors in intimate or family relationships (used by the UK government and legal professionals for proving the offence). These types of behavior are considered in terms of patterns of behavior. Patterns are discernible by frequency, duration and so on as they relate to criminality and their impact on the victim. Criminal assessment considers whether the 'pattern of behavior amounts to fear of violence or serious alarm or distress leading to substantial adverse effect on usual day-to-day activities' of victims. (ie your way of life can become adversely affected).
      • isolating victim from friends and family
      • deprivation of basic needs
      • monitoring the movements of the victim's life, this includes online stalking
      • controlling different aspects of the victim's life (like setting rules regarding clothing, personal care products, etc)
      • depriving victim access to services like medical services (likely to prevent detection of abuse).
      • continued psychological abuse (like put downs or attempts to encourage the victim that he or she is incapable of achieving things of significance)
      • humiliating the victim or encouraging others to humiliate the victim
      • forcing the victim to participate in criminal activity
      • encouraging the victim to feel shame over a wrongdoing or embarrassing act of the victim. This is insurance against the victim going to the authorities or others in the society who may harshly judge the victim.
      • financial abuse, often in the form of providing inadequate funds and micromanaging and harshly criticizing the spending. This also involves confiscating the victim's earnings.
      • controlling the victim's ability to progress (like preventing the victim from studying or working)
      • threat of harm against the victim or loved one.
      • character assassination. This includes sharing private details without the victim's consent which usually puts the victim in a socially awkward position.


    Returning to a groomer that failed before is very dangerous

    If you are fortunate to free yourself of a groomer, never go back at a later point. Your fate could be like that of Lot's wife. Groomers are unlikely to ever really change. Even if the outward esthetics of a situation (like your age, living circumstances, etc) have changed, the rules of the grooming game never does. Once a groomer, always a groomer, even if he or she lost the first time around. A failed first time groomer wants their 'pound of flesh' (ie revenge as payment for what they perceive was your rejection). 

    Such groomers will try to appear respectful and benevolent. All the while, they seethe with envy and hatred. Consider the following scenario(s).

    • A sexual predator who was unable to isolate a target is likely to reappear later in the target's life if the defense (like financial independence or social support) is no longer available to the target. In such case, the predator might not even be still interested in or capable of the original form of exploitation but simply wants revenge for rejection. In such cases, predators may reappear to pretend to offer help, only to sabotage the target in retaliation.

    Groomers can take the form of single individuals, friend groups, entire communities (in a town, etc) and so on. The rules from above apply regardless.
      YouTube video: 'Don't Go Back' by YouTuber ''missctolbertvoh'. Sometimes you needed to even leave behind valuable things behind (money, personal values and so on). Know however that you should still not return because you can compromise your safety and even life. Going back is essentially going against prayers for deliverance from a bad situation. You are likely going to be able to get new material possessions that you lost as a result of leaving a bad situation. Do not fall for the traps that groomers set to pull you back in. By going back, against the will of God may be more detrimental the second time than the first time. As far as possible, prevent people you leave from using things of value that you left behind to remain connected to you after you leave.

    Christian, scripture-based YouTube video 'Don't Go Back. This is a warning!' by YouTuber 'Sarai Lael Podcast'


    CONTENT RELATED TO GROOMING

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    Coercive Control

    Coercive control is a type of intentional sadistic abuse to dominate others. It may occur as a clear one off act or an ongoing PATTERN of sadistic acts. Because it applies to different scenarios, it manifests in forms that are specific to the nature of the relationship between the involved parties. For instance, in sexual relationships, it may include sexual forms of coercion where men abuse their male privilege over women. (Similarly, in relationships involving racism, the form may not be sexual but specific to racial features, like the privileged group demanding victims to change their natural appearance to fit in or get jobs.) While physical forms can occur, it is very often non-physical. Ultimately, the end goal of abusers is to entrap victims in a hostage-like way. (FYI, to be held hostage refers to when a victim is held involuntarily by an aggressor so as to control the victim). This hostage-like end goal can be physical or psychological. Like any other type of hostage situation, hijackers take away independence / autonomy, freedom, dignity, personhood or sense of psychological integrity. The term hijacker is often used to describe the aggressor because he or she unscrupulously seizes and redirects these manifestations of the victim's personal freedom away from their natural course to fulfil his or her selfish purposes instead. To this end, whatever form is used, the abuse uses degradation, assault, threats (subtle or otherwise), humiliation and intimidation.

    Unfortunately, the abuse is subtle and hidden behind closed doors. Many people on the outside of the situation are unable to identify the abuse. Consequently, this abuse may white ants victims. In other words, it is likened to the action of termites, aka white ants that are known to eat the inside of wooden structures, often without leaving outward evidence, until it is too late when the structure finally crumbles. 

    This danger involved in ignoring this form of abuse includes murder. This abuse makes the red flags.



     
    BBC Three video on YouTube 'Is This Coercive Control? Men & Women Discuss'

    Example(s):
    • taking away or cutting off your phone and changing passwords
    • isolating / preventing you from getting support, family, medical, police and otherwise. This is because the hijacker does not want others to know what is really happening. Needless to say, at the same time, they will use smear campaigns against you to convince others that they (the hijacker) are benevolently helping you. They encourage others to force you into dependence on the hijacker.
    • not allowing you to go to work or school
    • surveillance / stalking, monitoring your movements, getting others to create fake social media profiles to monitor you, searching through your bank statements, etc. Beware, surveillance can sometimes appear like friendly concern. It often looks like questions like where are you now, what are you going to do next, etc. In more taxing cases, the messages can look like this: it should usually take you 15 minutes to buy product x, why are you not back as yet? Shouldn't you be out of the shower by now?
    • degradation, especially in an area of the victim's life that gives the victim a sense of self esteem and self respect. The degradation (or insults) therefore take away the victim's self respect. This often includes name calling, telling you that no one else cares or respects you. House wives may be told they are bad at their role (like keeping the house, caring for the children, etc), lovers are told they are inadequate sexually, an independent woman is told she is incompetent at handling her own affairs and need the hijacker's help instead. 
    • implementing strict rules over minute aspects of daily activity:
      • what you can and can not wear
      • food you can eat
    • restricting your access to transportation
    • forcing pregnancy onto the victim to secure a life long financial or other connection. This causes a relational imprisonment.
    • over-riding your decisions over your personal matters 
    • In far east countries, African women are often lured to work under harsh conditions in a form of modern day slavery. During the servitude, the women's passports or other means of escaping or contacting loved ones may be confiscated by their employer.


    When does it officially cross criminal lines?
    That depends on where you are. For instance, in countries like the UK, coercive control can be considered a criminal offence when it disrupts the victim's normal activities. So while a single act of coercive control like preventing someone from going to work (perhaps by sabotaging their work) might not alone be a criminal offence, that act within a cluster of other acts (isolating from support systems, financial control, name calling, etc) that follow the same pattern will translate into a criminal offence. 

    Consequently, it is best to continuously report events, even though each event alone is not taken seriously. This is because, together, multiple offences create a pattern.

    Victims usually need to prove 
    • clear acts or patterns of these controlling acts
    • events that created a real sense of fear of harm. Example(s) of events can be 
      • breaking dishes. 

    The perpetrator
    Perpetrators are very controlling, power hungry and feel entitled. This person can not handle disappointment or stress well and easily go into fits of rage. These persons are often malignant narcissists and psychopaths.



    CONTENT RELATED TO COERCIVE CONTROL
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    Protect Yourself Against Flying Monkeys

    In popular psychology, 'flying monkeys' play a role within the context of narcissistic abuse. Specifically, they act on behalf of the narcissist, doing the narcissist's bidding and inflicting (additional) abuse to the narcissist's victim. The victim is called a 'scapegoat' in present psychology because of the similarity of his or her role with the historical origin of the word. Specifically, in some cultures, a real goat was used as a sacrifice for purging sins of the members. Everyone's sins were symbolically placed onto the goat's head before it was cast out alone into the wilderness where it would often die (symbolically, with everyone else's sins). The most common form of this 'abuse by proxy' is smear campaigning against the scapegoat and just overall irrational hostility.

    Unfortunately, anyone can become a narcissist's flying monkey; a work colleague, an otherwise innocent child, your child, a beloved family member, an acquaintance and even a complete stranger. Regardless of the circumstances, the dynamics are the same. The narcissist creates a psychological mob with the use of his or her flying monkeys. The consequence is that the victim is isolated and otherwise healthy relationships will not be given a chance to flourish. The narcissist may be anyone; a parent, wielding influence among children to isolate the victim child, a boss using some subordinates against the victim employee, the 'ruling class' using ordinary citizens against a particular race of people and so on. Sadly, flying monkeys often include people with whom you even want or already have a relationship. Perhaps you find them attractive in ways that make them otherwise ideal for relationships, be it because of family ties, long term acquaintance, strong commonality in a significant aspect of your lives, marriage and so on. However, by being a flying monkey, that person rejects that possibility, thereby essentially sabotaging their own opportunity to receive your love. In short, there are hardly any winners outside of the manipulative narcissist. 

     To be clear however, in some cases,  flying monkeys do not always unwittingly assume their role because of naivety or weakness that is psychological, social or otherwise. They sometimes take advantage of a perceived opportunity that the narc offers, like belonging to a social group, security in a job or family environment, satisfaction of deep seated jealousy against you, favors and so on. In other words, flying monkeys may be consciously and actively invested in having you scapegoated. In fact, they may even encourage narcissists into the role.

     In short, a narcissist embodies the Christian concept of a Satan. The narc leaves pain and suffering in their wake. Essentially, they have a creative God-like ability to bend reality, but in a negative way. Ultimately therefore, the flying monkeys are angels of their 'Satan'-like role.

    The Sad Reality About Flying Monkeys (& Narcissists)
    Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that you can easily convince them to see the true nature of a negative situation. They are truly under a 'spell' that keeps them within the false reality of the narcissist. In many (not all) cases, they truly believe the narcissist's false depiction of reality. Regardless of whether they truly believe or not, they are faithful for one reason or the next. 

    Narcissists go through stages meant to bring you down called 'devaluation' and 'discard'. During these stages, the narcissist creates a picture in the minds of flying monkeys that you are a bad person and, in some cases when your objection is an apparent threat, even mentally unstable. Narcissists are master manipulators as they often work hard to present themselves as charming and the antithesis of who they truly are. Although difficult to even imagine, know that they find very creative ways of portraying you as their heartless aggressor. It is therefore difficult for your objections to be tolerated or believed. Flying monkeys lack the interest in getting to see and look deeply enough to see you for who you are, even if they have never before interacted with you. They are happy to relate to you in hostility in reaction to the narc's false image. This is especially hurtful on any point of the scale of how acquainted you and the flying monkey are. In other words, flying monkeys can be people that should know better as they had a relationship and positive experiences that may even prove otherwise or they could be people from whose first contact with you is met with outright hostility, even if they are supposed to be objective by virtue of their professional or other position. It is common for them to pick fights, fabricate elaborate ways to 'prove' how they too have been wronged by you in the same way as the narcissist or go on fault finding missions, all to justify their (newfound) disdain for you. It can get really messy because narcissists and their minions can even spread their spell so far and wide that you can be left completely alienated from your entire social support group, workplace or community. Consider how racism works in entire communities and how potentially dangerous it can become because, even law enforcement or other authority figures can also become flying monkeys that will not protect you as they should.

    At this point, I can not help but remember Agent Smith and even the attractive 'woman in the red dress' in the film 'The Matrix'. Spiritually speaking, these characters carry and act in the spirit of the narcissist. Consequently, a very bitter red pill is that, even if you ache for good relationships with these people, you must treat them the same way you would the narcissist.

    Agent Smith is a fictional character and the primary antagonist in movie The Matrix. He is programmed to keep order according to the system by terminating people who threaten to destabilize the simulated reality. His superhuman attributes allow him to move from body to body (that is plugged into the Matrix), to appear virtually anywhere where his services may be employed. As the trilogy unfolds, he becomes a computer virus, effectively spreading far and wide. He essentially symbolizes a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose.

    Unfortunately, to understand the narcissist is to also know his minion, at least in the way that is significant to your interactions. What do you know about the narcissist? ... that his antics can harm you and he or she lacks empathy? As hard as it is to accept the reality of your situation, your erstwhile loving family friend / flying monkey acts on behalf of and has therefore become that narcissist. The thing that makes them attractive to you makes them your 'woman in the red dress', armed and dangerous.

     Spiritually, narcissists are lower beings without the capacity to learn and grow. They literally see no other way to survive. Flying monkeys may grow and evolve. However, at their current stage, they are at the same base level of spiritual development as the narcissist and therefore, through the law of attraction, are receptive to the narcissist's spell. They are manipulated and brainwashed and unwilling or unable to act with their own purpose. Even if they are not fully convinced by the spell, they may be too fearful to step out of line because of the power they see that the narcissist wields over others.

     They do NOT want to hear what you have to say. When they tell you how 'terrible a person' you are, interrupting you when you try to explain situations, you may become emotional, goodness forbid, irritated or angry. Unfortunately, many will rather only see you as overbearingly emotional and unstable, much like how, macrocosmic flying monkeys in the form of racists (like in the US South) scream to even an overall calm to scapegoat to 'calm down' as they feign fear for their safety around the scapegoat and call the police.

    The fundamental meaning of the situation is that the actions of flying monkeys articulate how little they value you and your wellbeing. 'They know not what they do' you say? Perhaps. However, they are nonetheless as dangerous to your well being as any other awake ill-intentioned flying monkey.


    DEALING WITH FLYING MONKEYS. DOs & DON'Ts.
    • Anticipate flying monkeys. Narcs recruit whomever they can. Prepare to deal with wolves in sheep's clothing, even among those for whom you care. Who assumes the role can be surprising, in a good and bad way. If you have trouble with this, consider that, in many cases, even scapegoat victims have been flying monkeys at least once in their lives. Remember how motivated you felt in being a flying monkey.
    • Understand the sad but true nature of the world of narcissists and flying monkeys. See the section above regarding this. Coming to terms with this is a very bitter red pill to swallow but a necessary evil that will help you to understand your environment and to better survive within it with greater emotional intelligence than otherwise.
    • When flying monkeys start accosting you with the lies of the narcissist, do not try to explain the truth, especially if it does not directly affect your ability to earn a living. Never get emotional and antagonistic if you need to give some explanation. Resisting the temptation is extremely hard. In my experience, even hard evidence will not suffice as they often hide, destroy it or find convenient explanations to justify their position. At the time of the attack at least, the narcissist's spell over flying monkeys is real. So they are incapable of thinking for themselves and will only become further energized. Your explanations and emotional pleas actually reinforce in their minds how 'deluded' and even 'evil' you are. The things you say to explain situations are in such stark contrast with the impression of pure love and light portrayed by and of the narcissist that it is easier for flying monkeys to dismiss you. Imagine the scenario involving young men who pleaded with others in their congregation that Priest X molested him. The congregation only see Priest X giving masses in God's name with loving compassion. In fact, many of these people will bequeath all they have to the church when they die because the church and Priest X are the epitome of 'God' in the physical. So although the evidence in the form of the effects of this young man's trauma should be clear, his anxiety, social awkwardness and stuttering only inspire disdain within the flying monkeys who may think 'what an annoying imbecile that won't just grow up already', he never 'wanted' to accomplish anything  in life academically, etc. They often infantilize him, asserting that he should learn to 'take accountability for his own poor life decisions versus victimizing someone as good as Priest X'. The miracle required to bring belief of what the clergy did to young children took centuries. Do not expect to accomplish that alone, especially if you have been singled out with other co-victims. Even if you can not see it, narcs master reputation PR and damage control (in ways that you  are unlikely capable of matching). Their PR often takes the form of charitable causes, love and light endeavors, new age friends, influential contacts and the like.
    • The previous point also relates to those who are already fully aware of the true nature of the situation. They are the most toxic flying monkeys as they will even sabotage the evidence you provide because they are on the level of the narcissist and are determined to receive their pay off.
    • Despite any temptation to do otherwise, always act with integrity. Flying monkeys constantly seek fault, any little thing they can hold against you. If you ever give them reason, no matter how small, you will never hear the end of it and to them, you have validated the lies against you.
    • When flying monkeys seek information on behalf of the narcissist. NEVER provide personal information as this encourages narcissists to figure how to craft new and better lies. This is particularly true of sensitive matters regarding mental health. (See the point below regarding offers to 'help with your mental problems').  Resist the urge to discuss even happy situations and positive plans for your success. Remain as superficial and gray rock with them as possible, speaking only about topics that have no relation to well being, like the weather. When they press for more personal information, reply in one of the following ways.
      • Flying monkey asks, "How is your relationship with x?" You respond: 
        • "Wow, you have not called in so long! What prompted the call?"
        • "How are you and x getting along?"
        • "My relationship with x is between the 2 of us."
      • If both you and the flying monkey are aware of their role, reply as follows. Essentially, show your disdain regarding speaking with them, the narcissist's minions.
        • "I would rather speak directly with x about that question."  /  "Just tell the people who are sending you with these questions to ask me directly."
        • "It's unfortunate you had to be subjected to a toxic conversation like that."
        • "I am sorry you had to see someone's confidence being betrayed." (when a flying monkey wants to tell you how the narc broke your confidence). 
        • "I believe x is using you to get information. Are you aware of that?"
        • "I really prefer for narc X to continue guessing. It is interesting the way (s)he makes things up about the situation."
      • Show disdain for the role of the flying monkey.
        • "It must be tiring having to do X's bidding and coming to me for information. Does it feel uncomfortable?"
      • Whenever possible, do not share that you feel victimized. Your flying monkeys may well be among those who are energized by this and pursue their role with even greater fervor.
      • Do not attempt to prove yourself. This signals a sense  of vulnerability and inferiority to whomever you wish to impress. It therefore re-establishes the unequal power dynamic and can encourage the flying monkey to reinforce the belief with his words and actions.
      • Devalue the importance of and your sense of trust in flying monkeys. This is critical as it helps you to lessen the impact of their abusive words and actions. When you do this, walking through life without emotional injury and self doubt becomes easier. Once you start adopting this perspective, strive to accomplish the life goal of proceeding as though flying monkeys are background noise you do not even hear or as though you wear a bullet proof vest. Remember, especially in cases in which flying monkeys (and the narcissist) created your scapegoat role to hide ugly truths or deeds, it has never been the intention to work with you sincerely to resolve the true issue in the first place. You were always meant to be 'the problem'. The very bitter red pill to swallow is that that will not change. Apparent resolutions are likely to be traps that will eventually reveal themselves.
      • Develop the ability to be alone without the love and approval of others, certainly without seeking those things. You will first need to grieve the loss of unconditional love and a healthy relationship with the flying monkey. This is easier said than done because scapegoats have felt lonely for much of their lives and seek to 'create family' in friends and others. The unmet needs for family are very intense. However, it will be necessary to force yourself into this mode for the sake of avoiding toxic relationships that occur as a consequence of being a needy individual (among psychic vampires). After all, grieving lack or loss of love and approval will not cause loss to happen because you are already living without love and approval. You are already living your worst fears. It is easier to get real love and good relationships when you are in less need for it. Find ways of pleasing yourself without the contribution of others. You can strive for self-reliance while still interacting with others. Essentially, be an 'island with many bridges'.
      • If possible, change your environment quietly and as soon as possible. If you can, find a new workplace, town and so on.
      • Be weary of flying monkeys who offer to 'fix' YOUR problem. Are they offering to pay for your doctor's visit to a psychiatrist to 'help you'? From their perspective, they are 'helping' to address the 'real' issue; your evil. You may really require a doctor's help to overcome trauma from their abuse. However, beware! Helping in the way you truly need is NOT their focus. Accepting to go to the doctor is likely to spread in their rumor mill as your clear admission of your evil or wrong doing. Visits with the doctor may only traumatize you further. By accepting to go to a doctor, would any future disagreement, however minor result in your being told that your thinking is off due to "YOUR mental problems". The danger is real. If you ever admit to any form of mental health issue, even if it is one very related to the trauma you have suffered, they will ignore the trauma and suffering and use your admission to 'prove' your 'erratic' behavior. They may also focus on the fact that you are 'broken' which, to them, often engenders scorn, further abuse and exploitation. This is the ultimate setup to deepen the psychic vampirism. BE VERY CAREFUL!
      • Seek out new social circles that include more highly evolved persons. Even in the event of conflict, such people are capable of listening, have the psychological insights that you have, objectivity and reasoning. People more to be in your life are capable of seeing you for who you are and not the projection of the narcissist. For most people, their relationships are largely untested. Consider that yours have been and your true friends and enemies have been revealed. Although the truth leaves you more alone than otherwise, recognize that it forces you to pursue better relationships. 
      • Despite your loneliness, be very careful if flying monkeys suddenly demonstrate they now accept the truth, seek your forgiveness and a relationship. Fools rush in! Remember, people engage in behaviors with which they resonate. Consider that a non-murderer would feel deeply disinclined to participate with fervor or at all, even if surrounded by killers. Consequently, although flying monkeys accept the truth, they are likely to be the same person unwilling to act in hatred but only narrowly in convenient situations. Also consider this idea within the context of why they came to accept the truth. For instance, were they forced to accept the truth through deep contemplation, a situation that is merely a symptom that made things too blatantly obvious or, worst of all, only because the flying monkey fell prey to the narcissist when you went no-contact? In the latter cases, you can hardly be sure the flying monkey has grown spiritually and is sufficiently strong to avoid being swayed with that innate blind hatefulness when the next narc wind blows. If they see your 'redemption' in only narrow or convenient ways, they may still lack the ability to deeply analyze future events. Without any deep change in them, you may quite likely be better off without them in your life. Be clear, although no one or relationship is perfect, their toxicity and abuse are simply unacceptable. Even if they now suffer the narcissist's abuse, be mindful that their apparent 'empathetic reaching out' is often only damage control (to ease their own difficult situation).

    Video: YouTuber Dr Ramani 'What to do when a narcissist turns people against you.'



    CONTENT RELATED TO FLYING MONKEYS
    YouTube video by MJ Harris 'Leave people alone who watched you get hurt and did nothing'
    • Cognitive dissonance is based on social psychology. It further explains how flying monkeys are able to 'clear' their conscience when they know about abuse but still enable it.
    • Psychic vampirism
    • Free yourself from mind control
    • Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a matter of better knowing how to manage the negativity of narcissistic abuse. It does NOT mean that you will cross a finish line that leaves you completely free from any pain. However, your recovered self will know how to cope, become less affected, continue self-care despite the abuse and so on.
    • Social psychology
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    How to escape toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths

    About every quarter or so, I undertake my full body cleanse program. Among its main purposes is to remove toxins from my physical body. However, although it started out as a 'body' cleanse, I continue to update it to be more holistic (i.e. to also incorporate the mental and spirit bodies). For instance, it now includes components for mental cleansing and alchemy. However, this entry proposes its newest component, that is to routinely escape toxic relationships.

    This step-by-step method focuses on relationships with an extreme type of toxic person called a 'narcissist' and 'psychopath' (i.e. an 'extreme narcissist'). Here are the steps.

     1. Take control! Educate yourself. This will help you to identify toxic personality traits in others as well as understand how you may unintentionally trigger them. There are 2 aspects to this step: a) learn about the     social psychology and b) examine how people affect you because narcissists and psychopaths are emotional or psychic vampires. .
    1.a. The psychology of a narcissist includes the following traits.
    • Exaggerates his/her own importance, achievements, beauty, intelligence, power, talents and so on 
    • Has exaggerated fantasies about his/her own importance, achievements, beauty, intelligence, power, talents and so on 
    • Feels entitled to "the best" of everything
    • Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation
    • Takes advantage of others to reach his / her own goals
    • Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
    • Becomes jealous, hurt or rejected easily
    • Lacks empathy and disregarding the feelings of others
    • Is obsessed with oneself
    • Pursues mainly selfish goals
    • Trouble keeping healthy relationships
    • Appears unemotional
    CAUTION: The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NDP) resemble traits of people with strong self-esteem and confidence. However, to differentiate, note underlying psychological traits that are pathological (or persistent). Narcissists have such a heightened sense of self-worth that they consider themselves inherently superior. Yet, they have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism. They will often compensate for this by belittling or disparaging others to inflate their own self-worth. In fact, the tendency to be sadistic is highly characteristic of narcissism (i.e. versus other psychological conditions affecting levels of self-worth).
    -- --
    1.b. Below is a quick list of the traits of a psychopath. However, to study this phenomenon further, consider a few good resources like the book 'Dangerous Liaisons: How to Recognize and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction' by Claudia Moscovici. Here is the list.
    • Is glib (fluent but insincere and shallow words)
    • Is manipulative. Conning, ie can deceive others into doing something.
    • Is callous
    • Is without remorse
    • Is non empathetic
    • Is superficial
    • Is parasitic
    • NB, psychopaths are NOT psychotic (i.e. psychopaths do not suffer with major mental illness like schizophrenia that would have made it difficult or impossible to differentiate between right from wrong. For instance, if police are present, they will not perform unlawful acts.)


    2. Beware of excessive flattery and unwarranted affection, especially if you feel vulnerable. When dealing with a potential romantic partner, focus on his or her character rather than (nice) gestures. For instance, consider how he or she views and treats others and how he or she reacts when faced with opposition. Regarding this final point, I have always felt that insight into others come through observation of how they 'fight' and handle challenges
    3. Establish firm personal boundaries. Narcissists need to be kept at a distance emotionally and often physically. Some ways of doing this are as follows. Cut all forms of contact (like email, text messages, telephone calls and physical meetings). If you must remain in contact (possibly because of your job or children), state your needs unapologetically. For instance, when they wish to dominate situations, be firm by stating your needs. For instance, you may say "I need ..." rather than ask, or worse yet beg, with a submissive "Please ...". Do not share your feelings of hurt with a narcissist because your emotional pain will encourage his or her narcissism. In that case, reserve those feelings for someone else you can trust. Once you have established boundaries, maintain them. 
    Take Control! Click HERE to subscribe to our YouTube channel 



    4. Identify and eliminate your vulnerabilities from their root. Research shows that some psychopaths can accurately identify vulnerable strangers merely through subconscious observation of something as subtle as the length of your stride. In other words, you do not even need to have consciously broadcasted that you have vulnerabilities. However, your vulnerabilities attract psychopaths at a subconscious level. Of course, this is an example of the law of attraction. Whether you experienced major past trauma or something less severe like hurt when you received a harsh look after you spilt milk at 7, several techniques exist. For instance, it is possible to do shadow work alone or with a professional. I am currently finding the following book very useful: The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self by Deepak Chopra, Debbie Ford and Marianne Williamson.  
    5. Psychopathy is a perfect example of 'psychic vampirism' (aka 'energetic vampirism'). If you are to take control, it is time to understand the 'energetic vampire' or 'psychic vampire' phenomenon. Furthermore, learn how to remove negative psychic cords between psychic vampires and you. 
    6. Make a list of how you will fill the void of ending toxic relationships. Make it very short and realistic. List things to do to execute your plan. Do not forget to include support systems. Establish personal deadlines to accomplish the items on your list.
    OTHER MATERIAL ON HOW TO ESCAPE TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH NARCISSISTS AND PSYCHOPATHS

    Video: YouTuber Dr Ramani 'What to do when a narcissist turns people against you.'

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