Showing posts with label social psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social psychology. Show all posts

Emotional control: responding vs reacting through stoicism

This post discusses how you can respond with equanimity to life's challenges. Emotional control is invaluable for dealing with challenging situations, whether with toxic people or circumstances that are outside of your control. For instance, toxic people go out of their way to 'push your buttons', ie to trigger some known pain point that you have as a means to feed their distorted sense of power, even without provocation. They want to have you emotionally charged in an unhealthy way, and, if possible; to the point of socially unacceptable and embarrassing behavior, impulsive mistakes, or the like. Example(s) of triggers that may force you into emotional dysregulation.

  • A disagreeable person in the sense that the individual is committed to misunderstanding you, even regarding your basic human needs.
  • Dismissive Attitudes: The individual may dismiss your concerns without consideration.
  • Selective Listening: They might only hear what aligns with their preconceived notions.
  • Emotional Reactions: Strong emotional responses that overshadow rational discussion can indicate bias.
  • Someone trying to belittle you. This can even include subtle ways like intentionally poor service. In Latin America, anti black racism commonly manifests with a polite smile while forcing the mistreated person to waste time and resources excessively.
  • Someone knows you have a spider phobia and forces you to walk past spiders.
  • Traffic jam when you are running late
  • Malfunctioning technology

Emotional control involves self-awareness in the moment; specifically, your ability to recognize that you are being triggered in the moment, to recognize & heal your wounds that have been opened, to identify your triggers, and, ultimately, to prevent yourself from being reactive to those triggers. In other words, you want to avoid being very reactive that every predatory person exploits your pain point to make you mindlessly reactive, whenever their whims inspire them that way. Both parties, the toxic person and you are acting from within some type of ego, perhaps as an ex with unresolved feelings of abandonment, as a boss feeling insecure by your competence, as someone envious of your competence that makes them feel relatively incompetent and so on.

Professionally, emotional mastery can also make you a better candidate for leadership. 

Stella Petrou Concha explains that emotional mastery involves managing conflict and pressure without resorting to violence, aggression, or silence. You are truly calm, ie both internally and externally. You seek deeper understanding, not only of your own perspective but also that of counterparties.


1. Pausing (a practice in self control)
Just to be clear, this is not a suggestion to embrace unhealthy practices like suppressing or ignoring your emotions, because triggers can cause you harm regardless. However, this suggestion is to disengage from the toxic situation and or conduct your interactions with pauses so you can manage the trigger all alone, in private, ie rather than reacting and therefore entangling yourself in the toxicity, as per the ill will of someone else. In private, you give yourself the space and love to vent, be vulnerable as you cry and so on.  

A pause is a 'space' between the trigger and your response. It allows you to process and plan before responding in a non-impulsive way. Rest assured, while pausing is difficult, it is possible. Furthermore, while the luxury of long pauses is not always possible, with practice, a pause of as little as a few seconds may suffice. Jefferson Fisher suggests taking a breath before responding. 
  • Do not react (ie with 2 P's: panic and proceed). Instead respond (ie with 4 P's: pause, process, plan, then proceed). 
  • You often regret reactions but rarely regret responses!

Example(s)
  • Every time you feel angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, remove yourself from the situation so that those negative feelings do not get the chance to fester to the point that you react in other than your best self. 

Third-party YouTuber Declutter the Mind video '15-minute guided meditation for self-control | Strengthen your mind and focus' (above)

Why is a pause important, especially when dealing with toxic situations? When dealing with toxic people, the first thing to realize is that, when they are being hurtful, it is unlikely that you can convince them to change their trajectory, for your benefit, especially when their antics are intentional. While some people try to make amends, most never do. Begging them is not only futile but amplifies their enjoyment of and desire to continue the toxic situation. In other words, accept that you can not rely on the next person for your well-being. You can not change the complex issues in their ego. For instance, they might have been triggered by their insecurities of which you or even they are unaware. Maybe you have triggered them. This might simply involve the fact that you succeeded at something they did not, you received good news that is unrelated to them, and so on. In other words, you owe it to yourself to do alone what you can to secure your feelings of comfort and competence. 

What hurtful people do to you has nothing to do with you.

I am reminded of the justice card of the major arcana. Its figure removes her bias from the situation and can analyze it in a depersonalized, depolarized way.


Overall and in short, emotional control relates to stoicism. A stoic is described as being calm and appearing almost emotionless or blank. Such a person does not show what they feel. At least during the pause, they accept whatever is happening, by simply observing.

Serenity prayer: "Father, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Sometimes, the pause is not just seconds, minutes or weeks and so on. The pause is permanent. See YouTube short form video by DailyInspire_67 'A woman with no friends or a very small circle is a very, very secure woman'. If you have the wherewithal to walk away permanently, it is the way to find calmness as a default situation. 

Pausing can occur in different ways.
The 'Let Them' theory is an example.
YouTube video by Mel Gibbons 'The one trick you need to master to live a more peaceful and fulfilled life' ('Let Them Theory') 



2. Reflection (not rumination)
The second key step is to use the pause for dispassionate, analytical reflection on 1) the external event (like triggers of others and likely reasons) and 2) your internal response to that event and why. This step recognizes that many reactions of others and ourselves mask other issues that are often not apparent. Remember, this is not a call-to-action to suppress emotions, but to work through them in privacy.

Earlier I spoke about toxic interactions involving issues like an warranted hatred and power games. Here are some likely issues to consider in such situations.

Unwarranted hatred 


"It's not that they hate you personally but that they see in you what they failed to pursue ... or embody. ... Stop taking it personally ... Their hatred is a projection of their inner conflict. ... That doesn't make it easier but it gives you clarity. ... Many people build their lives around a fragile foundation of unspoken agreements comfortable lies social masks and Illusions designed to keep their world safe and predictable. ... You threaten the stability of that foundation ... make it harder for them to ignore [their inadequacies]." Jordan Peterson re unwarranted hatred from others.

Commitment to misunderstanding you, even in matters involving your basic human rights 

YouTube video by Empowerment Zone 'Stop being nice to a narcissist - Do this instead | Jordan Peterson'. (above)

Narcissists (narcs) do not engage with you from within the same psychological framework as you are with them. Stop assuming that they want meaningful connection or fair resolution and therefore desire mutual understanding, respect and reciprocity. They are NOT interested in mutuality. Instead, they seek dominance over you by ANY means necessary. For instance, the 'means' may include finding ways to break your spirit and confidence to force you in line with their individual goals. It is A MISTAKE to think that you can change this through enough kindness, fairness, good intentions, loyalty, patience, laying out the truth, respectfulness and sufficiently clear communication. Narcs can NOT be motivated through moralistic appeal, only consequences. Do NOT set yourself up for frustration and emotional exhaustion. For you to identify narcissistic traps; focus on people's actions, NOT their words. This includes apologies and other displays of virtue. In other words, look for the PATTERN in their actions.

Examples include the following.
. consistent disrespect. 
. gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of lying that forces you to question reality as you know it. They will re-create history, subtly shifting the narrative, even so that you are expected to apologize for something you have not done. Beware, the more engaged you allow yourself to be in their arguments, the more control they gain. The fact that you find yourself defending yourself places you in a subordinate position. 
. Intermittent reinforcement is another common tactic. It involves alternating between affection and cruelty in unpredictable cycles. This is a powerful hook because it may trigger in you the psychological mechanism of addiction. Specifically, if they were consistently cruel, it would be easy for you to simply detach. However, you may find it hard to leave because they show kindness from time to time and leave you in a toxic hopefulness and struggle to regain the fleeting moments of kindness. 
. Projection. The narc may accuse you of the specific action of which they are guilty. This also manifests by them arguing with an off topic issue, often a sore point of yours. This is a tactic used to deflect attention away from them or the current issue at hand. The tactic is intended to keep you too busy defending yourself to have enough remaining mental power to figure out these tactics.

In short, to survive this toxic relationship, you must detach. Detaching involves not playing along in their game as much as possible; emotionally, and, if possible, physically. After all, trying to get their approval, to explain yourself or show your good intentions for instance is placing yourself in a subordinate role. From their perspective, your placing yourself in such a position only confirms their control over you. Every contortion of yourself to appease their disapproval, defense, etc, signals to such a mind your relative weakness. It signals their ongoing control over you and your emotions, even if you are unaware of this. Your participation in arguments implies that their opinion matters. Remember, you are WASTING your time if you think keep searching for some magical combination of words and or actions to finally tip the scale. If you somehow figure one such perfect combination, they WILL shift the goal post somewhere else because they do not intend for you to ever meet the mark. So STOP defending yourself to someone who is searching for ammunition within your over-explanations. They will distort your intentions, twist your words and so on. 

Now here is your biggest challenge! You must walk away from your deep, natural human desire for resolution and justice, because, with such people, it will NEVER come. In short; emotional DETACHMENT. (Just a reminder, this is a matter of unhealthily dismissing your own emotional pain.) This is a matter of remaining unaffected by the narc's provocations; withholding the emotional reactions like distress, frustration, anger that they crave, perhaps to tone police you with the belittling "calm down" phrase or feigned fear. In other words, practice 'pausing', the first step of a stoic emotional control response. So this looks like sitting unresponsively while someone intentionally tries to bait you into an emotional reaction. The baiting could be outrageous accusations against you, slander, irrelevant past issues to strike against you and so on. You need to tell yourself "I do not need to correct their false narrative" and so on. Not easy but this is how to starve them of their supply of sustenance. To be clear, this does NOT mean allowing injustice and sabotage. Instead, it means not participating in the moment in the game.

When you set boundaries, they will test them to force you into breaking your own rule. Consequently, you must ENFORCE your own boundaries. If you say you are leaving the discussion; leave, immediately. If you say you will not tolerate disrespect; don't, immediately. If you say you will no longer explaining yourself; stop, immediately. The moment you allow yourself to be back on trial, they prove your boundaries are only words. Know that you 'winning' an argument is an illusion. They WILL seek to settle the score; some day, some how.

This tough challenge of emotional detachment means you must TOLERATE DISCOMFORT. In other words, you must resist the urge to correct lies and so on. You must practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that they will never change. Walk away from bad situations, even when doing so causes you intense emotional pain in the moment.

Brace yourself for the 'extinction burst', which is an escalation of their offensive behavior. It is a last-ditch effort to regain control. For instance, if they only bullied you before, now as you withdraw yourself, they will stalk or otherwise attack you outright. Brace yourself in the recognition that this escalation signals their desperation and your success to this point. Needless to say however, this is the point where most people fail. Remain steadfast with maintaining your boundaries. Decide that you will not wait around for resolution from the narc for your healing and closure because that would signify your dependence and their continued control. Instead, you will give to yourself. 

As you walk away, rest assured; their inability to value you has nothing to do with your true worth but their brokenness (ie that their self esteem needs constant upkeep by knocking you down below themselves). 


If you need help with that from mental health providers, your tribe, or YouTube videos, seek it. However, keep such external reliance to a minimum because even these usually good sources can fail. Frenemies prove this last point. Ultimately, you are responsible for your well-being.

Stoics stress the importance of recognizing aspects of your situation that you can and can not control. Actively look for those aspects that you can control and focus your thoughts productively on formulating an appropriate response (cognition, verbal or action). During a painful 'pause', exploit your brain's neuroplasticity. In other words, train your mind to use dialectical behavioral therapeutic reasoning to form new neuropathways. Click here to consult the core principles and examples of applied dialectical (DBT) reasoning when faced with challenges. The cognitive agility that dialectical reasoning encourages also reminds me of the 2 of Pentacles tarot card ... and even 5 of cups tarot card that encourages that; while 3 cups have indeed spilt, if you turn around, you will see that 2 other cups remain un-spilt behind you and a bridge is also there to lead you to the other shore. 

Understanding and mastering your triggers is critical because they recur in life, according to Stella Petrou Concha, 'as certain as waves crashing against the sea shore, which you must figure how to ride.' 

Examples of responses include.
  • Silence! No engagement.
    • No response to snide comments, ad hominem attacks, etc. You choose that you do not even want to engage in the situation because you have resolved your thoughts on the matter and realize that the other person is committed to misunderstanding. This is an example in which the person operates in a reactive way based on some unrelated underlying issue, like feeling rejected by you, jealous of your accomplishments, and so on. In such cases, recognize that you have no control over the matter, and investing energy into trying to explain is futile. As such, you must focus your attention where you do have control. This is an example in which you will need to shift your mind away from ruminating over that person. 
    • Some more reflective people would return with an apology in words or actions because your silence gave them nothing further to distract them or on which to build their attacks.
  • Setting boundaries. 
    • I do not appreciate your tone of voice. I would rather X-Y-Z instead. Otherwise, I can no longer work with you.
    • Someone's distorted search for empowerment through trying to control you. 
      • Strategic pushback: Jefferson Fisher's suggestion for when someone tries to belittle you (short-form video) is to remove the potential enjoyment of your reaction for the toxic person.
        • Ask them to repeat themselves (as that creates a pause that dampens their dopamine rush), like "Come again?!"
        • Ask "Did you say that to hurt me?" [I might word that differently to let them know how much they have failed, like 'that was meant to hurt me?']
      • Gentle back off: "I need space to mow the lawn in circles as I like. I will continue to do it in circles. 
      • Invite a discussion about the heart of the problem. "The way I mow the lawn is not the real issue here. if we did not have to mow a lawn, the garden patio would be the next issue. Something that you are not mentioning is a problem. Maybe we need to resolve that instead." 
      • An explanation: "The gradient of this yard is circular and the lawn mower is custom-designed accordingly for better efficiency." ... BEWARE, after this point, silence is ideal for those people who are committed to misunderstanding or power-playing you.
  • Counteract catastrophizing emotionally triggering situations. YouTube video of podcast by Mel Robbins "6 magic words that stop anxiety and overwhelm" suggests a few things. Observe yourself going into the catastrophizing mode. Recognize that you do not have control over what happens outside of ourselves. We can only control what happens internally. When unable to find out about her daughter's whereabouts while on a solo trip on the other side of the planet, she noticed stress and self-inflicted psychological torture rise in her body as she imagined her daughter's gruesome demise. She suggests 6 words in response to the internal self-inflictions, "What if it all works out?!" For instance, maybe her daughter was enjoying herself, she was fine but unforeseen technology glitches occurred, etc. These words end the downward psychological spiral and force you to see that you simply do not know the outcome but chose to focus on only one negative probability, disregarding other positive probabilities. The initial recognition of a difficult situation inflicts injury already. Negative secondary reactions like anticipatory worry would only inflict further injury. In fact, research shows that they even light up pain pathways in the brain. It also triggers the sympathetic nervous system (ie the fight or flight states) which in turn impairs cognitive skills and executive function. In other words, it ultimately hinders your ability to resolve the problem at hand. You need to stop that! It is necessary to observe this tendency to inflict a second injury to yourself and halt it midway with Mel's 6 words. 
  • Purpose, not impulse


3. Daily reflection
In addition to mindful reflection after a triggering event, stoics routinely engage in reflection. This is key because such ongoing reflection helps to train your mind towards a more stoic default. Example(s) of focused attention exercises include the following.
  • Intentional journaling. When you journal, you can analyze the day's stimuli and your emotional responses. Critically analyze those times during which you fell back into old patterns of reactivity. See every moment (heartbreak, etc) as an opportunity for practicing response over reaction. 
  • when you fall back into old patterns of reactivity (perhaps your over-explaining, anger, fearfulness, etc), critically analyze why it happened and your learning point. Your task is to prepare a better response for the future rather than ruminating over your failure. (After all, rumination does not achieve anything, it offers no solutions.)
  • When starting the day, you can set specific intentions for committing to stoicism.


4. Focused attention exercises
The purpose of focused attention exercises or mindfulness practices is to train you to control the direction of your mind's attention. Considering that the present moment is the only time that you have the power to act, mindfulness exercises stress on engaging your attention there as fully as possible. These exercises train your mind to the present and more calmness despite life's distractions and challenges. Examples include the following. 
  • Breath meditation. Observe your breath, mindfully noticing each inhale and exhale, then return attention to this exercise if your mind wanders.
  • Movement meditative practices like ecstatic dance. See third-party documentary ecstatic dancing documentary. The demonstrative video (below) is one of the best I have seen online. It reminds me how, in the depth of trauma, your child self can find all the answers. I started this practice at 9, long before I knew it was a technique with a name. It is freeing and a total game changer. At 29, I lost myself in dance, unable to sleep for over 24 hours through the natural high. There is no need for mind-altering substances, just the freeing of your mind. I think it is perfect for those who dislike, still have trouble mastering sill meditation practices and or just want a natural high for relaxation. I think these women featured in the video below have captured the practice beautifully. YouTube video by Sophie Sôfrēē 'Dance of the Moon. Ecstatic Dance with Sophie Sôfrēē, Mana Mei & Layla El Khadri' (above). These women dance as though no one is watching. There is no judgment, no choreography, no 1-2-3 steps and so on. The women are fully present in the moment and aware of the beat of the music, flow of water or other natural elements and each other. They allow their entire bodies to respond with those elements and, by so doing, let go from their ego and simply flow. The flow looks different for each person. For some people, ecstatic dancing releases emotions (joy, sorrow, etc) and expressions (sensuality, empowerment). People can become whatever and whoever they want to be (whether a child, an animal, etc).
  • Mindful observation. Engage very fully in present-moment activities, including very mundane ones. If this is not normal for you, I suggest setting a daily reminder to check in with yourself.
    • Observe the minutiae of an eating experience; the flavor, texture, sight, smell and sound of eating the food. Third party YouTube video by Parkviewhealth 'mindful eating exercise'
    • Observe what each of your senses perceive at any moment 
    • body scan exercises
  • Affect labeling. It is counterintuitive that owning your negative emotions in the moment minimizes its control over you. Research shows that it allows you to go into response (versus reactive) mode. For instance, if you recognized, even openly acknowledged your nervousness about public speaking, you are ironically less affected by that nervousness.  
  • Use the heightened suggestibility of the alpha waves to train yourself to be calm. Alpha brain waves occur in states of deep relaxation, like during deep meditation, hypnosis, and the first few minutes after awakening. Imagine yourself responding calmly during states of deep relaxation. Do this first thing in the morning upon awakening (as opposed to scrolling through social media).


CONTENT RELATED TO EMOTIONAL CONTROL THROUGH STOICISM

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How to control overwhelm

Being overwhelmed occurs when life throws "passive challenges", ie challenges over which you did not actively create. In other words, being overwhelmed is about losing control to resolve challenges. Examples of passive challenges include accidents, health problems, harassment, burglar attacks and so on. Using contrast to better highlight the point, an active challenge is different because, even though it may be difficult, the fact that you actively chose it, creates a psychological cushion. Examples of 'active challenges' include learning a new skill or starting a business. When considering your life holistically, the state of overwhelm occurs when your 'passive challenges' outweigh your 'active' ones.


Why you need to deal with overwhelm

When faced with challenges outside of your control, the ensuing overwhelm is potentially destructive because it can push you into reacting emotionally, rather than responding more rationally. Besides, emotional decisions are often less productive. 


How to overcome feelings of overwhelm

. Let me start with what not to do. Do not try to push even further with the idea that exerting even more effort will overcome your state because that is counterproductive. As mentioned above, being overwhelmed occurs when your 'passive challenges' outweigh 'active challenges'. In other words, there is an imbalance between the types. So if you have 2 'passive challenges', rather than try to push to resolve them, especially when you currently lack the wherewithal, seek balance between 'passive' and 'active challenges'. For instance, absolutely do NOT remove 'active challenges' as a mistaken attempt to devote more effort to the 'passive challenges' that already cause you negative emotions. Do you see how that pushes you further towards imbalance, a polar extreme of lost control over your life?

. Consider feelings of being overwhelmed in terms of levels of control over your life, where overwhelm is on one polar extreme of lost control over your life. The key is to balance your lack of control with 'active challenges' that restore your sense of control. Fill your life with a routine of manageable 'active challenges'. Notice I underlined the word 'manageable'. Example(s)

While these 'active challenges' do not directly fix the externally generated 'passive' challenges, research has shown that 'active challenges' are nonetheless useful in restoring a better sense of balance mentally and emotionally. This is a critical side step that keeps you from a deep spiral of overwhelm that makes your mind consumed with your inability to resolve the challenge. As mentioned above, you want to avoid this because this state can even promote destructive behaviors. While this is counterintuitive, rest assured that science backs it up. On that note, I will end with a quote from Seneca the Young; "The mind should not be kept continuously at the same pitch of concentration, but given amusing diversions... Our minds must relax: they will rise better and keener after a rest."


YouTube video by (a US medical health provider) HealthyGamerG 'If you're feeling overwhelmed, watch this'

. After tackling the earlier steps, free your brain of random to-do lists by writing out and categorizing the tasks. Example(s)

  • The Eisenhower matrix for prioritizing tasks. Read more about the Eisenhower matrix.


CONTENT RELATED TO MANAGING OVERWHELM

Mel Robbins's podcast "6 magic words that stop anxiety and overwhelm" (above)

  •  Dr Tracey Marks 'Understanding the dopamine detox: Is it real or hype?' (above). When overwhelmed, it is easy to replace necessary tasks with addictive dopamine quick-hit behaviors like mindless television viewing, food binging, and so on. When in a rut, replace dopamine-hit addictions with more meaningful and productive activities like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) techniques such as mindfulness meditation, even if it is dancing or coloring if your mind can not be quietened, Radical acceptance exercises, and so on. If time is short, mindfulness exercises can be more practical. For instance, dial in completely into whatever task you are doing, even if it is cleaning. NB Dr Marks explains that, overstimulation, even if pleasurable, is taxing on your mind and leave you more on edge. Consequently, downtime is necessary!

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Dealing with isolation and other challenging situations

Seasons of isolation are for your protection and growth. Unfortunately, since these periods are challenging, it is easy to falter in ways that can potentially delay or derail your transformation. For this reason, it is necessary to know how to appropriately deal with the lesson of isolation. Here are some things you can do.


Work on strengthening faith in God. First of all, do not beat yourself up; it is common to doubt God's plan during dark periods in life. Immerse yourself in stories that will inspire you. Some of these stories are from the scriptures, movies, documentaries of real life situations and so on. Like Moses, when God appears in front of you, recognize your 'burning bush' experience, ie God's supernatural presence and commune with God to get instructions for your path forward. Recognize that, despite your struggle and the apparent impossibility of your situation, God is instructing you to proceed on a great mission that will be successful if you trust and obey God. Example(s)

  • Moses and the burning bush is a story of trust in God's supernatural ability to do great things in your life, despite destructive forces. Ultimately, Moses defied his past of slavery and oppression and Moses' personal speech impediment to become a great reformer. Moses was an Israelite, which, in his time, was an origin that was condemned by the Midianites to slavery or, in the case of male children, death. However, he was able to grow up in Egypt's pharaoh's palace. When Moses grew up and the pharaoh found out about Moses' true intentions (to defiantly protect people from oppression), the pharaoh wanted to have Moses killed. Consequently, Moses fled. He got married to a Midianite woman, the daughter of a man named Jethro. One day while tending to flock, God' appeared to Moses as a supernatural flame in a bush (whose supernatural nature did not consume the plant as would have occurred normally). The bush expressed to Moses God's sadness over the oppression that Israelites suffered and desire for Moses to resolve the problem. As many called upon by God, Moses expressed doubt in his ability to accomplish the task. For instance, he foresaw himself being unable to speak convincingly to people, even if Moses simply told people that God had sent him (Moses). God also showed Moses supernatural signs that he should show to others to convince them. For instance, his staff was essentially a wand through which God's supernatural power manifested. This staff turned into a snake and back to a staff when he retrieved it. Moses motivated God's anger because Moses remained doubtful. In the discussion between God and Moses, God insisted that Moses proceed despite Moses' fears and Moses' brother could accompany him to speak on Moses' behalf. Moses ultimately triumphed. (However, what ensued before the triumph was not straightforward, simple victory. Instead, it was extended warfare between the Pharoah and Moses. This included various plagues that Moses brought through God's power and the Pharoah trying to use dark magick in response and an unwillingness to surrender to Moses' requests. Even after Moses triumphed in freeing and leading his people away, his people sometimes became doubtful and fearful of the ostensible trap into which Moses had led them when they met an ordinarily impassable sea while Pharoah's men pursued them. Moses regained their trust by using his staff as a wand to part the seas to allow the safe passage for only his people, while Pharoah's army perished in the sea once all of Moses' people had crossed the sea safely.* Notice how even joy from victory and the strongest faith eventually waned yet again among those on his team. Men around you will do the same at any point in the face of challenge, in this case, the hardship they encountered while crossing the dessert. Of course, each time, Moses delivered. Ultimately, he led his people to the land promised to their ancestors.)
  • See story of Gideon.


Create a routine for spiritual connection and study, perhaps prayer every X time daily, regardless of how low you feel in the moment. Having a routine establishes your spiritual practice as a priority. Use this time to commune with God. Discuss your fears, doubts and concerns as you would with a very wise and trusted friend who really wants the best for you. Ask for faith, guidance and communication that you can recognize and understand. In addition to the obvious that isolation is God calling you to spend more time with him, also ask how you should use the isolation. A clue is that it involves something that you have not yet mastered.

  • Your routine may involve listening to podcasts as you go through your day.
  • Maybe you are isolated in the sense that you are in desperate need of help but people who one would expect to support you turn their backs on you or show themselves as your enemies or frenemies. This may be your wakeup call to recognize that you must let them go and seek out more suitable people who resonate with your goals. Consider how Gideon needed to whittle down his army to only 300 other men of fearless courage. In a sense, he felt a sense of isolation because he needed to recognize his need to walk alone or with very few people to accomplish his mission. This isolation taught him to recruit only the appropriate soldiers and to press on despite his feeling of hopelessness and despair. He needed to embrace faith in God to proceed to victory.
  • Borrowing from the hermetic principle of polarity, recognize that feelings of despair are on one polar extreme. Seek ways towards the polar opposite to at least reach a more balanced state. 

If you encounter key points that you need to anchor into your life, write them down and put them in places where you are bound to see them frequently.

  • Place scriptures on your refrigerator door, your phone, your work desk and so on.
  • Place a candle in a central location with which you have many encounters, like your work desk, kitchen counter and so on. Allow it to burn with keywords written on its side. 

Accept and support changes that God is making. 

Find ways of veering away from constant worry and towards calm when faced with challenge. Do not beat yourself up for falling into depressive worrying and anxiety about the future from time to time. However, do your best to ascend out of this. Worrying  is a negative distraction from your present day that robs you of blessings and other things of which you can be grateful today. Furthermore, worrying excessively can get you lost in future uncertainties and cloud your judgement and prevents you from seeing the potential growth in the current challenge. It is necessary to trust in God's future provision and care. To this end, practice mindfulness in the present moment. When you find yourself spiraling, lay your concerns before God and leave them there.  

  • Have the trust in God like Abraham did. God asked Abraham to leave everything with which he was familiar (his home land) to go elsewhere. Without knowing where he was going, he dropped everything in his life and left.
     YouTube video by Story_Verse 'The faith of Abraham: journeying into the unknown with trust in God'
  • When faced with sudden strife, take your moment to cry but then, in the next moment, ask for guidance and understanding regarding how you can learn and grow. As mentioned above, are you being forced to strengthen your faith like Gideon and Moses ... or have you been snatched into your proverbial 'belly of a whale' like Jonah who fled in the opposite direction from God's instruction? 
  • Consume material that promises to strengthen you and advance your spiritual growth over harmful habits like substance abuse (including food). When tempted to consume negative materials, turn to meditation, music, art, journaling or other mindfulness practices.
  • Avoid comparisons with others because this practice leads to feelings of inadequacies, jealousy and envy. Rather, focus on your individual path.
  • While prudent planning is necessary, be careful not to over plan with rigid goals as rigid goals may prevent you from being flexible enough to benefit from surprising new opportunities.  In other words, mentally prepare yourself to adjust your goals along the way. Additionally, overplanning can also give you a false sense of security in your personal abilities (over God's). 
    YouTube video by Above inspiration 'God holds tomorrow: enjoy today & don't worry. Inspirational and motivational video'
     

When or if possible, commune with people with whom you can have a spiritual connection. Maintain those relationships that help you along your path. Share your plans with only a worthy friend who also recognizes the need to remain open to surprises that God presents along the way. If possible, find options for connecting with others by joining activity groups or classes for something you are bound to enjoy.



CONTENT RELATED TO DEALING WITH ISOLATION


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* Other noteworthy mentions of a staff and serpents as symbols of supernatural power include the serpent staff used in conventional medicine to convey the idea of healing powers.

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Grooming 101

Grooming is a process of manipulation used by a predator against a target. It involves deliberate actions aimed at befriending a target with secret intentions to subsequently exploit the target in some way that the target would have disapproved otherwise (like sexual abuse, trafficking, etc). In other words, it involves getting the target to lower his or her boundaries or defenses. The most widely known form of grooming involves sexual exploitation of children by persons like teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders and other authority figures. However, common misconceptions are that this happens only in sexual abuse cases or to children. In other words, it can happen in non-sexual cases and to adults. 

Rest assured that grooming is a form of abuse because it involves manipulation for power and control over the target. Afterall, a concise way of understanding grooming is to take from someone by pretending to be nice. In other words, it is a slicker way than overt aggression. The most commonly known form of grooming involves sexual predation of children. However, it can take any form. For instance, a business partner can 'be nice' to learn everything from the other person to steal the idea. 

The most skillful groomers are those who will take rejection gracefully, making themselves seem even more virtuous. They do this to ensure they do not lose the target's trust. Be certain that, if they could get away with forcing their way into what they want, they would do so. When the rejection is not acceptable to the more skilled groomer, he might however give himself away by bringing up the request soon again. Alternatively, after suffering a rejection, he may be sufficiently slick to take a slightly different approach that he expects to be more palatable to the target. If he can, he will try to find ways to make the target feel concerned about not accepting his request.


Video '4 Ways Adults Are Groomed By Predators' by YouTuber Ehren's Journal (excellent video)

Also know that, while grooming generally relates to personal relationships, it can also relate to groups. For instance, families, friend or social groups can groom individuals. Consequently, be mindful of your general experience in a culturally homogenous town, group, etc. Afterall, grooming essentially occurs macrocosmically among political groups of nations. (Consider how Machiavellianism plays out even among nations for instance.) However, for the sake of simplicity, it is easiest to grasp the concept in the context of 2 individuals.

The various forms of grooming feature similar motivations.

  • to overpower the target (with elements of belittling)
  • to exploit the target in some way that is self-serving to the predator (sexual, financial, other forms of theft and so on)



Common stages of grooming

These stages are variable, meaning that cases vary. Single actions may meet multiple of these stages (like giving car rides to someone).

1. Select the victim. Predators have their unique preferences, like specific vulnerabilities, demographic and so on. 
  • Common vulnerabilities include 
    • people without proper support
    • people who are new to an environment.

2. Gains trust & access. The trust may be aimed towards the target and or the target's circle of influence which usually includes family members or friends. The tactic on its own seems socially acceptable, benign and non-threatening. Common examples include the following.

  • little favors. Examples include: 
    • car rides
    • access to helpful contacts
    • token educational assistance for children. This is very useful when predators seek the trust of parents.


3. Meeting the needs that the target considers to be most pressing. This is a strong emotional hook that encourages the target to see the predator as necessary to their life. When grooming is part of narcissistic abuse, this stage is called 'love bombing'. 

Needless to say, predators must read situations well enough to figure out the target's most motivational needs so that he or she (the predator) can morph into the perfect provider of such needs. For this reason, predators present themselves as great listeners, not because predators truly care about their target's wellbeing, but only to study the target to know how to best morph into a perfect provider of the target's need so as to manipulate that target. 

Targets are left thinking "[Predator] is my best friend because while no one else listens or tends to my concerns, he is there." The void in the target's life is studied and filled perfectly.

This step easily masks the true nature of a predator that is narcissistic because the ostensible interest in listening to the target's problems can make the target feel cared for. (This is because, narcissists lack any genuine interest in the needs of their targets). This stage is therefore the ultimate trap because predators are drawn in and eager to overshare. All the while, the predator is picking out the target's vulnerabilities that he or she (the predator) can exploit. Here are some examples.
  • The predator provides supplies for target student who feels desperate to advance academically but can not afford.
  • A sexual predator may offer a listening ear to his target who has no support system. He listens, all the while, bored and irritated, feeling it is a waste of time but will smile and appear to care. He is banking on the emotional connection she believes they have to translate naturally into her sexual interest in her.
  • Since young children often consider candy as a 'need', predators are quick to provide it to the children they target.
  • The predator puts on an act of being outraged by any harm caused to their victim by others. This gives the victim a false sense of safety and protection.


4. Isolates the target / renders the target defenseless. As much as possible, predators find it useful to distance the target from other people who can offer support or become suspicious of his or her (the predator's) nefarious motives. The objectives are to make the target (more) vulnerable and to give the predator (more unrivaled) control over the target. As usual, if the target has defenses like people in their life, financial independence and so on, predators use subtle ways of isolating the target. Conversely, the more defenseless the target, the more direct, swift and aggressive the predator can afford to be in isolating the target.

  • A sexual predator may realize that a direct approach like forcing a target into a relationship is too risk if the target has some type of pre-existing defense like supportive family or financial independence. In such cases, the predator may offer emotional support like a listening ear, not through genuine concern but to find new avenues of vulnerability. Other ostensibly benign ways of isolating the target is offering one-on-one interaction like car rides as a means of getting the target alone. Predators may try to encourage the target to see fault in and distance themselves from people who are supportive of the target. The predator selects people who are suspicious of the predator or seem capable of protecting the target from the predator's advances. The benign seeming alone time gives the predator more opportunity to break down the target's own defenses.
  • Consider how traffickers and other criminals confiscate the passport of vulnerable targets. This isolates the target to a place of the predator's choosing. The same is true for withholding important documents or access to finances, knowing that the target must subserviently beg the predator to meet his or her basic needs.

5. Create secrecy in the relationship. Predators attempt to gain trust of a target by sharing 'secrets' to give the impression of a special, caring relationship. Predators use different target-appropriate methods to ensure that the target also keeps the relationship secret.

  • The predator may tell the child to keep their 'special' relationship a secret. To this end, he implies or overtly threatens harm to others or the ruin of something held dear by the target.
  • A married sexual predator may lie to the target by saying that the reason his wife can not attend to the target's invitation is because of tiredness, illness or her dislike of the target. To this end, he may also make excuses as to why the target should leave extending the invitations to his wife only to him. For instance, he may say that his wife is difficult to talk to. He might even encourage the wife to think ill of the target so that the wife does not want to talk to the target anyway. This is evil manipulation on a whole other level.

    • 6. Desensitization through benign-looking versions of the predator's true intentions & testing boundaries. These actions can start to give the predator away because they are small versions or hints of what the predator really intends to do. These actions gratifies the predator. In the mind of the predator, these actions are virtual full forms of the behavior they really want while the target might only see the action as benign. The predator hopes to de-sensitize the target. Predators gage their level of success with how well they are reaching their goal by seeing whether the target will establish or re-establish boundaries. Predators want to push the limits in violating a target's boundaries as much as possible without overly alarming the target.

    • The predator may sexualize a relationship with a child in ostensibly innocent ways like putting an arm around a target child's knee, play wrestling or otherwise getting a little closer than normal.
    • Predators of adult targets may offer non-sexual massages that encourages the target to get used to physical proximity to the predator.
    • The predator may set up scenarios that allow them to be naked (accidentally) in front of the target and so on.
    • The predator may find ways of discussing the topic subtly. When work colleagues are traveling together, a sexually predating boss may test the target with a 'joke' that they will need to sleep in the same room. 


    7. Coercive control over the target becomes OVERT once the grooming has been successful. While the earlier stages of grooming featured forms of coercion that are covert, this stage is different. Predators now have enough of a stranglehold over their target to the extent that the gentler, covert games of coercion are no longer necessary for one reason or other. Predators feel free to express their true nature and intentions.

    The predator will observe key indicators of success of his or her work in earlier stages (like getting the target to show shame of mistakes or other shortcomings, even if the predator encouraged them or; to stress the target's isolation from anyone else). Find more content on coercive control below.

    • Although a predator initially lured a child with smiles and kind gestures, his behavior switches in an instant to intense harshness once the child is in his grasp, without the chance to run away or seek help. Consider however that, when predators see children already defenseless or alone in a compromising state, he would likely skip earlier stages and immediately show overt coercive control.
    • The predator violates the victim's ownership of what naturally belong to the victim: time, money, autonomy of choice over basic aspects of your life (personal care products), etc ... Coercive control victims report the predator controlling access of their own home, car, telephone, social media and so on.
    • Predators may be very overtly abusive, making harsh demands like 'come here', 'never lock your door again', 'remove your clothes' and so on.
    • The predator may try to take over the target's property or act like the owner more than just a visitor, borrower, etc.
    • Victims become emotionally numb. Emotional numbness is similar to physical numbness in that it does not register pain. It allows victims to overlook their own suffering and to pretend that everything is fine.
    • "Stop asking questions. Just pay me $x now if you want to ever get back your things."
    • "Wow, you do not have anyone! No one cares about you. I am the only person you have."
    • "If you tell anyone about this [some nefarious activity], I will kill your family."
    • "You give me no choice. I have to do this [some nefarious activity]". The predator often finds a way to blame the victim for the abuse. This is useful to the predator because the victim becomes ashamed of their assumed culpability and prefer to remain silent.
    • Predators monitor victims: surveillance, etc
    • Typical examples of coercive and controlling behaviors in intimate or family relationships (used by the UK government and legal professionals for proving the offence). These types of behavior are considered in terms of patterns of behavior. Patterns are discernible by frequency, duration and so on as they relate to criminality and their impact on the victim. Criminal assessment considers whether the 'pattern of behavior amounts to fear of violence or serious alarm or distress leading to substantial adverse effect on usual day-to-day activities' of victims. (ie your way of life can become adversely affected).
      • isolating victim from friends and family
      • deprivation of basic needs
      • monitoring the movements of the victim's life, this includes online stalking
      • controlling different aspects of the victim's life (like setting rules regarding clothing, personal care products, etc)
      • depriving victim access to services like medical services (likely to prevent detection of abuse).
      • continued psychological abuse (like put downs or attempts to encourage the victim that he or she is incapable of achieving things of significance)
      • humiliating the victim or encouraging others to humiliate the victim
      • forcing the victim to participate in criminal activity
      • encouraging the victim to feel shame over a wrongdoing or embarrassing act of the victim. This is insurance against the victim going to the authorities or others in the society who may harshly judge the victim.
      • financial abuse, often in the form of providing inadequate funds and micromanaging and harshly criticizing the spending. This also involves confiscating the victim's earnings.
      • controlling the victim's ability to progress (like preventing the victim from studying or working)
      • threat of harm against the victim or loved one.
      • character assassination. This includes sharing private details without the victim's consent which usually puts the victim in a socially awkward position.


    Returning to a groomer that failed before is very dangerous

    If you are fortunate to free yourself of a groomer, never go back at a later point. Your fate could be like that of Lot's wife. Groomers are unlikely to ever really change. Even if the outward esthetics of a situation (like your age, living circumstances, etc) have changed, the rules of the grooming game never does. Once a groomer, always a groomer, even if he or she lost the first time around. A failed first time groomer wants their 'pound of flesh' (ie revenge as payment for what they perceive was your rejection). 

    Such groomers will try to appear respectful and benevolent. All the while, they seethe with envy and hatred. Consider the following scenario(s).

    • A sexual predator who was unable to isolate a target is likely to reappear later in the target's life if the defense (like financial independence or social support) is no longer available to the target. In such case, the predator might not even be still interested in or capable of the original form of exploitation but simply wants revenge for rejection. In such cases, predators may reappear to pretend to offer help, only to sabotage the target in retaliation.

    Groomers can take the form of single individuals, friend groups, entire communities (in a town, etc) and so on. The rules from above apply regardless.
      YouTube video: 'Don't Go Back' by YouTuber ''missctolbertvoh'. Sometimes you needed to even leave behind valuable things behind (money, personal values and so on). Know however that you should still not return because you can compromise your safety and even life. Going back is essentially going against prayers for deliverance from a bad situation. You are likely going to be able to get new material possessions that you lost as a result of leaving a bad situation. Do not fall for the traps that groomers set to pull you back in. By going back, against the will of God may be more detrimental the second time than the first time. As far as possible, prevent people you leave from using things of value that you left behind to remain connected to you after you leave.

    Christian, scripture-based YouTube video 'Don't Go Back. This is a warning!' by YouTuber 'Sarai Lael Podcast'


    CONTENT RELATED TO GROOMING

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